April 28, 2017. Friday. 9:20 P.M. My heart still twinge with thoughts of him and my eyes still gather tears each passing day. Sometimes i scold myself for sobbing but no wise words seemed to work. I want to fix myself. I am broken and hurt more than I imagined I can ever be… Maybe when I am too hurt its not gonna hurt anymore... Sometimes, I busy myself with anything than wallowing it but it only gets worst. I guess I ran out of ways on how to deal with this sh*t. There’s just no way going around it huh? I must go through this whole fixing-my-broken-heart-thing again… Sigh. This f*ckin’ sucks. Arrgh!!!...
You know what Dizzy, sometimes, I sobbed without a single tear which I never imagined possible. Sometimes I burst out in tears like I am some kind of tear factory. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I am crying at all and what my tears are for. I think the sting of constant rejection really cuts so deep. I feel terribly stupid. I pity myself... It took me so long to put myself back together after Dean and I just let myself be shattered again. How could I???... Ian has probably moved on by now, sleeping soundly each night and getting by day after day just fine... It’s not that I want him to suffer but why, why and why I am still hurt this much... Maybe a part of me hopes he will come looking for me though I know he won’t… I wish he lied each time he tells me he doesn’t love me… I don’t want lies though. In the end, he was as cold-hearted as I first met him. He even lamely offered me friendship. ‘’Friendship is what I can only offer.’’, he said. What the f*uck! I want to scream in anger and grief…
Lord, I pray that you warm his heart. Not for me but for himself. I also pray that you heal my wounds and help me get through this. Lord, I don’t want to grow a cold heart. I am sorry Lord that I am still angry sometimes. I am sorry Lord for loving me and yet I let myself be hurt like this. Your love should have been enough. I am so sorry I got lost that I had to look for love somewhere else when You are all along beside me loving every bits of me. Lord, please help me love myself just as much you love me. I don’t know why you had Ian crossed my path but I hope I have loved him as much as You wanted me to and I hope I got what I supposed to get from this…
No comments:
Post a Comment