For Ian (An Open Letter)

Do you remember some time last year when I teasingly concluded that August was to be our anniversary month and you cringed and revolted? Well, it is almost over now and I think I have been waiting for this moment for me to finally accept everything. It still stings but I am getting immune to it. Please allow me for the last time to speak from the heart and hear me out.

When we first met in person, I knew you were the one I want to learn to love and to treasure for good. It was not because of your good looks or my desperation or my desire (as you believed). But seldom that I met someone with almost the same wavelength as mine, whom I like and I can allow to take the lead. You liked me too and we were not teenagers who were up for pa-tweetums. I liked you even before we met. Dala na rin seguro kay OKCupid - compatible daw tayo. I wanted to see and work it out from there, hanggang sa 1^st meeting natin, to 2^nd, 3^rd, 4^th, 5^th … and I lost count. Infairness naman, di sya nagkamali. That’s what I think. Assuming. Gullible. Kahit ano na.  Well, I really enjoyed your companionship and it was actually easy to lose sight of myself with you. I just believed na lahat naman ng differences can be worked out through respect and trust, and the willingness to progress and journey together. Wala sa kung saan nagkakilala at sa haba ng panahon na magkakilala.

Pero salamat at na-meet kita at nagkakilala tayo. I have learned so much by being with you. For someone who tends to overanalyze things and who can be a worrier, I have learned to loosen up myself, that is, to be spontaneous and to live for a moment. I really took my chances and risks with you, doing things I would never do - I will never do them again. I learned that I am still capable to open up myself to someone, to give even more and take even less, and to care and love again. I learned to speak up and stand up for myself even if it means I might lose you. As stubborn and independent as I was, I learned to reach out to people who truly love me and are willing to put down everything just to have a moment with me. I still believe to this point that you were my answered prayer. You may not be ‘’my forever’’ but definitely ‘’my lesson’’ to learn. I believe God will put everything in its right place. Tanggap ko yon.

Ian, I'm sorry sa sobrang kakukitan ko. I know I easily get carried away with happiness. Sobrang babaw ko talaga and probably you figured that will never change. I'm sorry for irritating you. I'm sorry for making you feel bad sa accent ko na kahit serious lang ako yet implies I am angry. I'm sorry for making you frustrated sa sablay kong pronounciations minsan. As for myself, I will continually work on my Tag-lish articulation, as well as my intonation. I’m sorry sa pagkainsensitive ko minsan at pagkasensitive na rin. I’m sorry sa mga mali ko sayo at lapses. Sa lahat lahat.

Salamat sa experiences din. Kasi tanging gusto ko ay shared moments. Salamat pala sa Bible for giving me one when I asked for it. I always wanted one ever since I first left home about a decade ago but hetong pagka-gullible ko kasi na dapat bigay yon, I swore to never buy one. I could have asked my mother or anyone from my family or very closed friends but I chose you. I’m reading it from time to time. Again, thank you for giving it to me. I’m sorry di kita nabigyan. But the booklet I gave you in Baguio I have it blessed in Quiapo for you. I hope you took time to read it and read it every now and again, if I may say. With you, I felt I had that so-called soulmate. Yong tipong, di baleng wala akong boyfriend, may bestfriend naman ako. Sana naging bestfriend na nga lang kita, para kahit mapipikon kita, kutosan mo nlng ako, or i-treat at ipagluto na lang kita sa Tong-Yang , okay na. But I can’t wish for it differently. I won’t. Tapus na yon. Di ko rin naman to ginusto, I just can’t bear din to put you in the position of being with someone who will be too broken to care and eventually will mistreat you and will no longer invest in the relationship.

It’s unfortunate that our differences and ego got in the way. At this point, I know there’s no more chance and possibility that we’ll get back together. So I want you to know that I still love you, Ian, and it’s a feeling that is sooooo hard to let go. I don’t even know if it will ever go. Everywhere I look, there’s memory of you and me which I have to deal with every single day but I am immune to them now. I have to be. Sana na-feel mo that I tried to be the right person with you. Di man lang tayo naging tayo but I am satisfied with the fact that I became part of your life to prepare you for the one, whom you will spend the rest of your life with, in your near future. I also want you to know that I forgave you for everything. I had my fair share of all that has happened and I have forgiven myself too. There are still some things I cannot fathom but I no longer dwell on them. I’m leaving them all to the One who knows everything. I’m letting you go. And I’m letting myself grow even more from this. I’m sure you found in her what you haven’t found in me. Sana with her, you can finally let go of your fears. Kahit bilhan mo pa sya ng isang mansion ng pair of shoes, never would she devalue you or take advantage of you. Di naman sya ang eX’s mo at lalong di rin sya ako. At sana with her, di ka na walled up or highly defensive, especially during ‘’peace be with you’’ in the Holy Mass. Sana Ian, maging mas maligaya ka sa kanya bcoz I'm sure that you already are. Sana both of you may never have to guess and wonder your worth to each other. There may never be a gray line, but black and white. As life, sometimes, can be overwhelming you know. Besides, everyone is worthy of love and affection. May the two of you be one less complicated couple in this world.

I have let go of everything we had, but some selected photo of us on my blog, - Here. I’m sharing with you the post para incase she or someone you know stumbles on it in the internet, alam mo. I will change the domain soon and make it inaccessible on your end, anyway. One day, if our paths ever cross, in God’s will and time, we can always take some photos and create many moments. Even better ones pa.

Pinapalaya na kita, Ian. Salamat. Somehow, August lang talaga inantay ko to be at peace about all these, as I leave you in peace.

Still,

I miss your smile, Ian… not just the ‘’nice’’ ones, but the ‘’happy’’ smiles… and your laughs, too…

I miss you… I always miss you… as I miss us…

I’m sorry that I don’t know how to be someone you'd miss..

I will miss you, Ian…

I will always love you…

Thank you for the patience to read.

Thank you for being nice to me.

Daisy

xoxo