May 1, 2017. Monday. 12:27 P.M. Hi, Blogger! It has been so long. Today is holiday – Labor Day. Last Friday was holiday too, due to the ASEAN here in Manila. I didn’t go anywhere. I just wanted to accompany myself… Blogger, I don’t know where to start. But I guess a one-minute loving hug will do. I kind’a need it. Well, I badly need it. Sigh. Thanks. We have a lot of catching up to do, huh?
Well, it’s about Ian. I met him last August 2014 while finishing my MBA in the same year. I was extremely busy, juggling a full time work and a full time study, plus other things thrown in. I was happy and grateful aside from the fact that I entered into a secret/exclusive/physical relationship with him. I thought I was being brave and wise and that everything will fall to its right place in time. When I first met him online, I already had a feeling that he’s not looking for commitment but I admired his outlooks in life as I saw myself in him. I responded and things escalated from there. We simply clicked anyway. I was 27 and he was 30 then. I thought we were not kids or teenagers anymore. I thought I can ditch his no-commitment sense and he can ride along my desire for commitment. Two and a half years later, he couldn’t say he love me... Sigh… I even forgot what that is for… I mean it was not what I was asking from him… Sigh… I felt like my heart has just been ripped out from my chest… F*ck… I’m sorry Blogger. I think I need a moment…
9:23 P.M. Hi, Blogger. I am back. I am sorry for bolting out earlier… It has been almost two months since Ian and I had a meaningful conversation. We even went to Las Casas Filipinas last February 25. When I first came there with friends in 2013, I told myself that I will definitely come back and with someone I’ll spend the rest of my life with. At that time, I just recently moved on from my previous relationship and despite the scars I have earned, I still believe that there is someone meant for each of us in this world and I also believe I will eventually meet that someone meant for me. That wishful thought came rushing in my mind when Ian suggested that place a few months ago. I was torn. He didn’t have any idea about this wish I had in mind. I didn’t want my wish to not come true as we were not officially in a bf-gf relationship. But I ditched it. I thought it didn’t matter because I was already IN a relationship, though label-less. Also, I didn’t want anything to stop us going anywhere. Our stay went fine, although in some of our pictures I looked terrible because prior to our tour I cried (Well, I sobbed) after he teased me. I remember him saying ‘’ ayan, masyado ka kasing masaya.’’ He prefers me to have a poker face even when I feel joyous. LOL
Blogger, I can’t go on like this. You know - jumping from one relationship to another. See, I can’t even call Ian as my ex. It’s not that I want exes… Anyway, it surely was not all bad. There were a lot of good things and nice things too, but it would have been better under different circumstance. I took my chance though even if I knew he may not eventually commit. I opened up myself. I gave myself in. I burnt out… The saddest part is, if I ever walk away, he would just let me… if I go, he won’t hold me. It’s not that he couldn’t, he just won’t. If I reach out, he reminds me that he couldn’t commit with me. He couldn’t say he loves me. And that if he does love me, he won’t be impatient with me… That was a knock-out punch, blogger, don’t you think? I was emotionally tormented… I am still episodic even up to this very moment. Each day, I still kneel and beg to the Almighty to help me get by. He never fails me. I am deeply grateful that I get by somehow - one day at a time. Thank you, Lord.
Blogger, please let me be with you ones again. I never imagined I’ll be here again - broken. I’m sorry… After this, I don’t want any kind of relationship anymore - labeled or not. After Dean, I told myself I will fall in love again and with someone better than him. I will love that someone just as much as I loved him or even more and that there will be no one else because that someone will be the last person I will ever love. But now all I can do is sigh. Sigh and wish I can say the same. But twice is enough, Daisy. Your heart is too precious to be filled with wounds and scars…
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