Friday, August 25, 2017
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
For Ian (An Open Letter)
Do you remember some time last year when I teasingly concluded that August was to be our anniversary month and you cringed and revolted? Well, it is almost over now and I think I have been waiting for this moment for me to
finally accept everything. It still stings but I am getting immune to it.
Please allow me for the last time to speak from the heart and hear me out.
When
we first met in person, I knew you were the one I want to learn to love and to
treasure for good. It was not because of your good looks or my desperation or
my desire (as you believed). But seldom that I met someone with almost the same
wavelength as mine, whom I like and I can allow to take the lead. You liked me
too and we were not teenagers who were up for pa-tweetums. I liked you even
before we met. Dala na rin seguro kay OKCupid - compatible daw tayo. I wanted
to see and work it out from there, hanggang sa 1st meeting natin, to
2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th … and
I lost count. Infairness naman, di sya nagkamali. That’s what I think. Assuming.
Gullible. Kahit ano na. Well, I really enjoyed
your companionship and it was actually easy to lose sight of myself with you. I
just believed na lahat naman ng differences can be worked out through respect
and trust, and the willingness to progress and journey together. Wala sa kung
saan nagkakilala at sa haba ng panahon na magkakilala.
Pero
salamat at na-meet kita at nagkakilala tayo. I have learned so much by being
with you. For someone who tends to overanalyze things and who can be a worrier,
I have learned to loosen up myself, that is, to be spontaneous and to live for
a moment. I really took my chances and risks with you, doing things I would
never do - I will never do them again. I learned that I am still capable to
open up myself to someone, to give even more and take even less, and to care
and love again. I learned to speak up and stand up for myself even if it means
I might lose you. As stubborn and independent as I was, I learned to reach out
to people who truly love me and are willing to put down everything just to have
a moment with me. I still believe to this point that you were my answered
prayer. You may not be ‘’my forever’’ but definitely ‘’my lesson’’ to learn. I
believe God will put everything in its right place. Tanggap ko yon.
Ian,
I'm sorry sa sobrang kakukitan ko. I know I easily get carried away with
happiness. Sobrang babaw ko talaga and probably you figured that will never
change. I'm sorry for irritating you. I'm sorry for making you feel bad sa
accent ko na kahit serious lang ako yet implies I am angry. I'm sorry for
making you frustrated sa sablay kong pronounciations minsan. As for myself, I
will continually work on my Tag-lish articulation, as well as my intonation. I’m
sorry sa pagkainsensitive ko minsan at pagkasensitive na rin. I’m sorry sa mga
mali ko sayo at lapses. Sa lahat lahat.
Salamat
sa experiences din. Kasi tanging gusto ko ay shared moments. Salamat pala sa
Bible for giving me one when I asked for it. I always wanted one ever since I
first left home about a decade ago but hetong pagka-gullible ko kasi na dapat
bigay yon, I swore to never buy one. I could have asked my mother or anyone
from my family or very closed friends but I chose you. I’m reading it from time
to time. Again, thank you for giving it to me. I’m sorry di kita nabigyan. But
the booklet I gave you in Baguio I have it blessed in Quiapo for you. I hope
you took time to read it and read it every now and again, if I may say. With
you, I felt I had that so-called soulmate. Yong tipong, di baleng wala akong
boyfriend, may bestfriend naman ako. Sana naging bestfriend na nga lang kita,
para kahit mapipikon kita, kutosan mo nlng ako, or i-treat at ipagluto na lang
kita sa Tong-Yang , okay na. But I can’t wish for it differently. I won’t.
Tapus na yon. Di ko rin naman to ginusto, I just can’t bear din to put you in
the position of being with someone who will be too broken to care and
eventually will mistreat you and will no longer invest in the relationship.
It’s
unfortunate that our differences and ego got in the way. At this point, I know
there’s no more chance and possibility that we’ll get back together. So I want
you to know that I still love you, Ian, and it’s a feeling that is sooooo hard
to let go. I don’t even know if it will ever go. Everywhere I look, there’s memory
of you and me which I have to deal with every single day but I am immune to
them now. I have to be. Sana na-feel mo that I tried to be the right person
with you. Di man lang tayo naging tayo but I am satisfied with the fact that I
became part of your life to prepare you for the one, whom you will spend the
rest of your life with, in your near future. I also want you to know that I
forgave you for everything. I had my fair share of all that has happened and I
have forgiven myself too. There are still some things I cannot fathom but I no
longer dwell on them. I’m leaving them all to the One who knows everything. I’m
letting you go. And I’m letting myself grow even more from this. I’m sure you
found in her what you haven’t found in me. Sana with her, you can finally let
go of your fears. Kahit bilhan mo pa sya ng isang mansion ng pair of shoes,
never would she devalue you or take advantage of you. Di naman sya ang eX’s mo
at lalong di rin sya ako. At sana with her, di ka na walled up or highly
defensive, especially during ‘’peace be with you’’ in the Holy Mass. Sana Ian,
maging mas maligaya ka sa kanya bcoz I'm sure that you already are. Sana both
of you may never have to guess and wonder your worth to each other. There may
never be a gray line, but black and white. As life, sometimes, can be
overwhelming you know. Besides, everyone is worthy of love and affection. May
the two of you be one less complicated couple in this world.
I
have let go of everything we had, but some selected photo of us on my blog, - Here. I’m
sharing with you the post para incase she or someone you know stumbles on it in
the internet, alam mo. I will change the domain soon and make it inaccessible
on your end, anyway. One day, if our paths ever cross, in God’s will and time,
we can always take some photos and create many moments. Even better ones pa.
Pinapalaya
na kita, Ian. Salamat. Somehow, August lang talaga inantay ko to be at peace
about all these, as I leave you in peace.
Still,
I
miss your smile, Ian… not just the ‘’nice’’ ones, but the ‘’happy’’ smiles… and
your laughs, too…
I
miss you… I always miss you… as I miss us…
I’m
sorry that I don’t know how to be someone you'd miss..
I
will miss you, Ian…
I
will always love you…
Thank
you for the patience to read.
Thank
you for being nice to me.
Daisy
xoxo
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Taking Chances (Song)
by Celine Dion
Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
And I had my heart beating down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.
You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
And I had my heart beating down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.
So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.
What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Goodbye My August
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| Left: Our First ever picture together, with his newly bought hoody from Uniqlo and my hooded shirt I was wearing that day. Right (from the top): My 1st birthday celebration with him. Our stay in Batangas last 2015 during Christmas. And one of our activities - archery, which he didn't want at first but later enjoyed it more than me. LOL |
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| 2015, May. BAGUIO CITY. I was really delighted we made it here because we had a fight prior to the trip. Also, a couple of months before, he was infected with chicken pox and we had to cancel our hotel and bus ticket bookings. |
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We took all the rides and I dreaded the freefall. It scared the sh*t out of me but, nah, I would never back down. LOL The zipline in superman was the coolest I'd say! It was nice to enjoy outdoor activities with my bestfriend and I couldn't help but keep a few of our photos...
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| After we settled our nerves (mine, rather), we proceeded for a horse back-riding. It was my first time which gave me a vision of a horse getting hysterical over whatever and of me falling and breaking my back haha... I loved my horseback riding experience and though I requested the horse owner to not leave its side, I was contented with its catwalk LOL On the other hand, Ian had his free spirit moment and while it was contagious, I still prayed for safety. I'm such a worrier, huh! Well, we got home in one piece and revived! |
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| 2015, June. BORACAY ISLAND. I haven't been in Boracay and when he asked me if I'd like to go there, I uttered a big ''yes!''. It was not because Boracay is hailed as one of the best islands in the world but because I will get to visit the place with someone I enjoy traveling with. I always enjoy being outside with him. I don't know why but I'd just let him take me on the leash, wiggling my tail and barking whenever I need anything. I don't know either if anyone can relate to that kind of feeling. LOL |
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| I remember the tasty baby back ribs we had for dinner at the Batangas Ferry Terminal. Ah, I'm gonna pay visit to that place where he got it in one of these days. Anyway, so much for the food (LOL), from Caticlan we transferred to a motorized ''banca'' going to the island and hired a tricycle taking us to our booked hotel. There, we took advantage of our stay by parasailing, paddle-boarding, helmet diving and going about whatever. I remember, we had a dinner in this cozy restaurant by the beachfront and later realized we did not have enough money with us to pay the bills. He had to leave me there for a little over an hour as collateral. LOL Our stay was a blast! |
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| 2016, March. KALANGGAMAN ISLAND. For this trip we traveled by air from Manila to Tacloban and transferred to a van going to Palompon where we spent for a night to gather what we need for an overnight island camping the following day. Again, I just cant keep my heart off of these photos... |
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| The island is one of the most beautiful diving destinations in the Philippines. On one end of the long sand bar is where the coral reefs are, thus, the sand is prickly. I remember at one point, we were seated by the shoreline admiring the pristine beauty in silence while listening to the distant but audible unison of merrymakings from various group of visitors, it felt marvelous. I thought I would never ever get tired being in that exact atmosphere, profoundly connected to the island... And then, there was Ian at my side with "disapproval" written all over his face when I started to scribble our names on the sand LOL I wish I could have an island with a humble shelter and amenities for a few days just for myself, my best behalf and our kids. Wow. I'm so over my head, but if I wont wish or ask, the answer will always be no... |
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| 2017, February. LAS CASAS FILIPINAS DE ACUZAR. After traveling by bus, ferry and plane, we were to repeat the cycle. We laughed at the idea but agreed to consider it. Why not! And off we went by bus. |
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| Las Casas is vibrant and at the same time serene. There are sculptures and statues all over the place, such as, lola basyang, kids playing traditional games and mythical creatures like tikbalang; ancestral houses or casas beautifully turned to restaurants, hotels, shops, etc.; bridges, church, rivers, tram, jeepney, beach, batis, fiesta-like dinner; and many more well-thought arts and historical-feel thrown in together in perfect blend. Ian had fun with the sculptures and casas, taking pictures at different angles. And I was satisfied to watch my companion enjoying just like me, taking poses, laughing. When I first went there in 2013, I just fell in love with the place. The land area is humongous that I couldn't seem to get enough and I swore I would definitely return. I had no idea it would be with Ian and as dreary to admit it was our last trip together and the last time we ever saw each other... Regardless, one day, I shall return... Again... |
Inner Peace
August 9, 2017. 8:30 P.M. Tuesday. I think I have completely accepted everything that has happened. Last Saturday after work, I went to Quiapo Church. It is my favorite destination ever since I got here in this big city. I enjoy being there, kneeling to pray and sitting for 30minutes to an hour to meditate. All I could say to Him from the bottom of my heart was a happy and echoing ‘’Thank You’’. I had so much to thank about that I didn’t know where to start. He restored my inner peace. And I trust Him more than I ever did before.
I may have been deeply hurt but I still have a roof on me. I can pay my rent. I wake up every day on a comfortable bed and pillows I bought from my own pocket. With my humble possessions in my room, I am proud of myself. My room is not grand but it’s not messy. My family is far from being perfect but they make me complete. They are well and not struggling and that gives me peace. I have friends I can reach out in times of need. I may have stopped my job search but I am happy I am still working. My work became a perfect getaway. I’m actually on my 10th year now. I finally get to volunteer and spend time to those who need companionship the most. Those kids – they make me meek. Thank you kids! I can climb mountains and come back stronger each time. I get to love my body more. I finally came out from a fog of depression. I am slowly establishing my new routine. Thank you for always being my Light, Lord. Thank you for the courage You have bestowed on me. I have a lot to be really grateful about, to be grateful to You. I am simply blown away by You. I am as always blown away by You. Thank you, Lord. I cannot do all these things without You. You are always the best – always the greatest!
A Promise (Watch)
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| A couple of months ago I bought a bracelet with "love and be loved" pendant to remind myself that despite pains, I must remain faithful to Him, the One who is the source of all great things. Therefore, LOVE anyway. ❤️ |
August 8, 2017. 9:20 P.M. Yes. This wrist watch has survived. Ian asked me what I wanted as a gift for Christmas and my Birthday. I didn’t want anything but to stay in Batangas with him in a hotel for a night or 2, just like last year. Perhaps, the clarity to the status of our relationship will mean more than any gifts his money can buy or spend on. I wished to start another year with a better sense of openness between the two of us. I waited. I got a ‘’No’’. ‘’It’s okay’’, I said and planned to spend my birthday at work but he later personally suggested that we should be together since I didn’t want anything. It was my 30th Birthday, afterall. And so we checked in a hotel (not in Batangas) and just enjoyed each other’s presence. It was Christmas Season, a season of love, and I just can’t be hard on him or on me.
New Year came and he insisted he wanted to give me something I want which I can wear and he can see on me. So I decided, after several “No. Thank you’s”, that I wanted a wrist watch just like his so we will have something in common. He said ‘’okay’’, bought it before our last trip in February and later made me promise that whatever happens to us, I will never return it to him and still take care of it. Here’s the Lesson: Never receive a gift with a condition. No matter what. Even if it has already been paid. Even if I have personally chosen it. And even if I adored it because it was the only thing we have in common. Couple Goals, anyone? LOL I shouldn’t have accepted it but I was ecstatic anyway.
I couldn’t break my promise. It’s my honor. To keep it safe and away from a raging beast, I kept it hidden ‘til last June 10 when I started mountain climbing. I felt bad for the watch sitting in the dark defeating its purpose. But I thought, if I was going to wear it, I must accept the fact that the image and thought of Ian will come with it. Well, I couldn't decide until the last minute before I left my apartment. I just threw up the white towel (in my imagination, of course) and braved myself. "You know what Daisy. Just get on with it!", I said out loud. I was already feeling better then, anyway. No more tears. None on the road. None on the trail. But I must admit that there were little moments of sadness whenever I glanced at it. However, it made me smile too because I knew in my heart I can keep my promise. Fulfill a promise, even if others cannot. Besides, I chose that beautiful watch myself! Since then, I made a decision that whenever I climb I will wear it. I also make use of the backpack he got me for my 29th Birthday and water bladder for our Kalanggaman Island trip. I was really gonna sell/give them away. I even bought a new travel backpack last April for my hometown vacation. The three bad-ass have survived! I use them without any malice now. I even sent Ian a photo of them, thanking him for them. Frankly, it was difficult to look at them as just mere things I possess. But I have learned to. For my own sake. I actually wanted to pay for them but it was my pride talking. In time, I will truly be proud to say they are mine.
Soon, I must delete all our digital photos too after posting a few here. Cheers, blogger. And thank you for always being around. xoxo
Souvenirs
August 7, 2017. 7:35P.M. Monday. I just checked my ‘Treasure Box’ of Ian and Daisy. I got some dried daisies (my favorite) from my first ever bouquet of flowers. I got souvenirs from our trips - ref magnets, a dvd for our scuba diving videos/photos, parasailing photo, and the rosary bracelet he gave me.
I think all I ever wanted was for August to come before clearing what has been left. I am no longer angry or have any bitter feelings. But definitely I am still in the process of moving on. I need to respect myself in coping up with the pain and changes. I don’t want to rush myself - I shouldn’t. I need to take great care every bits of myself. Time heals all wounds and time is what I will gift myself with. Sometimes, I felt being back to square one, but each time is better than the previous, which makes me feel grateful and proud of myself.
A couple of weeks after our break-up email convo, I’ve thrown away the bear he got me. It came along with the bouquet of daisy flowers he surprised me with for my 29th Birthday last December 2015. Poor beautiful little native basket which I wanted to keep as a flower holder (or whatever), I threw away. The beach hat (similar to his) that he got me when we were in Boracay had to go too. Well, I wrapped them up neatly and really wished somebody will find them and be happy to find them. All our naughty stuffs are gone as well. Another couple of weeks later, I mailed back to him the pocket wifi I borrowed and the Bluetooth headset he gave me during our last trip. I was glad he got them, safe and sound. I really didn’t want to end up smashing them at that time. They were his in the first place.
I’m never really into materials things. I just wanted the bible and shared moments. But I was as equally grateful with the few extras I got. They became my treasures. But now, they are just mere things I posses. I can’t even call them mine. Memories, on the other hand, are the hardest to deal with. I really don’t know how long until I am fully moved on but one day I know I will. Goodbye my little treasures. Just go in peace.
Hotels.com
July 27, 2017. 6:26 P.M. Oh Daisy, Daisy. I swear to myself that this will be the last time I would ever cry like this about Ian. I’m trembling. I’m upset. I’m very deeply hurt… I’m sobbing…again… How could he just check out of my life... just like that… how cold… how… how undeserving of my energy...
In some of our check-ins, I did our bookings through his hotels.com account. Of course I knew his details and now, I felt soooooo stupid for being sentimental, wanting to take a peek on our booking list! That’s just where we booked most of our getaways! Sigh. Several days ago, it crossed my mind to do it but I thought it was a stupid idea so I ditched it. Then, just an hour ago, the thought pooped in my head again and there you go I did it. Why not. He registered that account for us anyway. I assumed, again. I just thought he will consider it sacred. That maybe he will deactivate it and sign up for a new account for his new hideaway, if any. Sigh. But clearly, I was only assuming. And there I saw his upcoming resort booking in Bantayan Island. A self-inflicted enormous slap on my face! I did not see that one coming. But the hell, right? Why can’t he! A queen size bed in a non-smoking room for 2 adults under his name. What the f*ck… I felt like a blade just slashed my soul in half… I couldn’t move. It has stunned me to death. It was the same exact feeling I felt when Dean told me that he got someone pregnant… It felt so cold from the inside. I felt that stabbing chills running through my veins and into my every cell… I couldn’t breathe… I thought my heart stopped beating for a second… I couldn’t cry… at least not just yet coz I was in my workstation. A few seconds later, which felt like years flashing before my eyes, Gold asked me something about our Sunday Climb and then Abie showed me something on her phone. My reactions were blank and my replies were shallow. The words leaving my lips were in slow-mo and my voice was fading but I thought it was my hearing that was failing. I felt like I died right there. I think it really is true that a shock can cause temporary blindness and deafness. I didn’t know how much I thanked God at that very moment. I thanked God for the little interruptions just when I was gonna breakdown. And thanked God I was able to hold it in. I would have caused a panic (LOL), really. As I was preparing to leave work, I felt so empty, sluggishly and meaninglessly sorting my stuffs on my table and in my bags, closing worksheets and systems one by one, and shutting down my pc. I left the office through the exit stairs from the 12th floor, emotionless and cold. I thought if I would ever trip and fall, it would never matter. I thought I was dead already anyway. When I reached the 3rd floor my tears started to blur my sight, my knees felt lifeless and so I slowed down, holding the railing, almost stopping. I didn’t want to trip and fall afterall. I didn’t want how I was feeling to get the better of me and perhaps cause my love ones to be worried sick. When I reached the lobby, the guard greeted me and I gave him the warmest smile I could ever make and said bye. I didn’t want to pass my sorrow to anybody. It was raining and I felt relieved that I could hide my feelings and my teary eyes under my umbrella. When I reached home and entered my room, my tears drained my eyes. Sigh… I got red and puffy eyes again… Just like that… When I calmed down a bit, I asked myself, why I was crying and what I was crying about. Yes. That’s right. What is it. Why. What the heck Daisy. Why. I am not sad that he has moved on. Surely, he must move on and, is legally entitled to have a vacation and take whoever he wants to be with. So, why… What am I whining about. What the f*ck Daisy. Sigh. I am not even entitled to feel any of these right now. But that account tho… How worthless to him… Jeez… I guess that’s just how it is then…
There’s not a day that Ian doesn’t cross my mind. I must be so in love with him that every brain cell I have just screams his name. Even before I sleep, my lips whisper it. Last July 10 was the 3rd anniversary date when he first sent me a message and this coming August 1 is when we first met. In front of that French Baker… How can I remember so well... I could run so far with him. I could even run miles and miles for him. It’s not that love is measured by running and distance. You know what I mean. It’s the effort of truly trying. But he doesn’t love me. Not at all. He said it himself, a few times, as clear as crystal, supported by his actions. How could he truly try you know. He was highly defensive when it comes to serious matters and matters of the heart. I did a lot of things with him, most of them were my firsts. They meant my soul. I have no regrets though coz he was my second and I wanted him to be my last. I wanted to be the right person. I took risk and opened up the second time around. I thought, if he could hold my hand and stay, then I have indeed finally found the one I will spend the rest of my life with. If he doesn’t, then at least I know I gave my best shot. No regrets, yes, but wtf I never thought it would be this painful. The sting of an unrequited love? The sting of rejection? The sting of being an option? Or, the sting of being stupid? How could I care so much and love someone this much who doesn’t love me back. Maybe it was not love but rather servitude. Sigh. I guess I should be a nun then. LOL. Really. Well, this too shall pass. I have God and Mama Mary. They would never want me to ask to be loved, or beg for that matter. And I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. I just have to stay positive, to be kind and to have faith. One day, I will even forget why I was hurt at all.
Was he worth trying? Yes, 50-50, coz I could have tried it differently with him but what was done is done. Also, every relationship is a risk anyway, as only ‘’change’’ and ‘’death’’ are ever certain in this world. Was he worth staying with? After two years and seven months, No. It’s not healthy to be in a relationship when one’s self worth is compromised. It’s toxic. Will I take the same risk? No. I will make sure that the next person has the character to value life – his, mine, loved ones, friends and everybody. Who will never tell me or wait for me to give myself 101% percent before he can consider loving me. Most of all, who does not only believes in God but practice His words in his life through his thoughts, actions and words. A leader. Who is worth caring for.
Please Daisy, fix yourself. Chin up. Embrace yourself more. Choose not to be bitter and don’t let yourself be treated less than your worth. You are loved. He loves you. You are worthy of Love and Affection. You are His daughter. You are His princess. I love you Daisy. I love you. *angelhug*
Conquer Cinema
May 29, 2017. Monday. 10:05 P.M. Hi blogger, I just settled myself after getting home from Robinsons. I went for a quick stroll which ended at the cinema. I hesitated to go at first because the last time I went there just pained me. I’m not really a big fan of cinemas as I prefer watching movies at home. But Ian enjoys it, thus, over a couple of years, going to cinema became our bonding time. Then I thought, today is his birthday and I should celebrate somehow by doing myself a favor. So I proceeded there and watched ‘’King Arthur and Legend of the Sword’’. I still felt that twitch in my heart but I had to be brave. I had to constantly ignore the images of us surrounding me. And yes, l enjoyed the movie. It was a good one. Happy birthday to him!!! And cheers for me!!! Daisy, you did a great job!!!
Aha! Jar of Awesome
May 6, 2017. Saturday. 9:38 P.M. I am tired and sleepy but I cannot contain this joy in my heart. I have to write. One of the perks of being an introvert - writing! I think I’m bad at it though LOL Blogger, I finally started my volunteer today at AHA! Learning Center. When I came in this morning, the kids were done making their ‘Jar of Awesome’ out of plastic bottles and colored papers and yarns for designs. They already had written on every piece of paper their awesome works throughout the week, i.e., getting good grades in English and being present in every class, and placed them inside. Then they partnered for a dance. They swayed and twirled as they hummed. I also had a chance to join in. On Saturday there will be a Mon-Prom for Mother’s Day. I wish I can join but I have work. As much as I want to give more time, I also need to look after my finances by minimizing my Leaves. Well, I only came in today to observe the class but I was smiling all throughout the activities. For High School class at 11am, a female French teacher came in, which I forgot her name. She taught about proper communication, particularly on how to be an assertive person, rather than being passive and aggressive. I was not able to finish the class because the founders, a married couple – Jaton and Elise conducted a quick orientation for the newbies - I , Z, Eric and Leona.
After lunch, we preceded to ‘Missionaries of the Poor’, a foundation run by African Brothers which caters the abandoned and abused children and Lolos and Lolas. Few of High School students from AHA! were also there. As they are also taught to ‘’pay it forward’’ the service they get from the center. There, we played with the cerebral palsy patients, as they don’t get much outside interactions and physical activities. We set up the mat where they can crawl and play. At first, I didn’t know how to actually do it, although we were given ideas during orientation… I carried Princess from her wheel chair to the mat and took out some toys. EJ, a deaf-mute boy, has been running all over the place, and whom Jaton have asked me to partner with. I went with EJ to pick toys and I felt so dumb. I didn’t know which toy to pick and he was going through almost everything. It was overwhelming. He has this happiest face on earth and I didn’t know what I should do. Jaton came in to get some toys and told me to just pick one and get on with it which snapped me out of my ‘I-got-lost’ moment. LOL I picked a pack of puzzle and EJ a drum with color lights in it. We went to the mat and started the puzzle game. I thought EJ will get bored and gave up and in my heart I prayed he won’t because it pained me that I didn’t know what to do. What a selfish thought! Well, I gave my best as I can to be a cheerful playmate and teacher. And guess what? We were able to finish that huge puzzle board occupying a large space on the mat. LOL I think I enjoyed the process more than EJ. I don’t know. It was fun, that the word itself cannot describe it enough. We had countless of ‘high fives’ and ‘thumbs up’. I also learned that deaf-mutes can speak a word you are saying if you put their fingers on the base of your throat where your vocal cord is. Elise said, they feel the vibrations and able to copy it. I was like ‘WOW!’. It blew my mind. I made him spoke a few words like hi, hello, car, cat, girl and boy, which are basically on the puzzle. Ej would crawl back and forth across the board puzzle to just sit on my lap like I’m a couch. He would take my hand and hold it for so long. Most of the time, he would take my hand and gently stroke his lip on the back of my palm for a second or two. I have no idea what was that for but it surely hits a spot on my heart each time he does that. Jaton had mention earlier to be mindful and giving whenever the kids take our hands. It’s because it’s the touch that they were deprived of while growing up. The way they touch were actually a lot different. It’s both heart- warming and heart-breaking.
Jaton was right. ‘’Just get on with it’’. At the orientation he told us not to worry about anything because we tend to overthink, like ‘’what if I break them, what if they won’t enjoy, etc etc.’’ He emphasized that our presence was great enough for them. No second wasted. They were all smiling. It humbles me.
Thank God for this opportunity. What an awesome experience!
Be With Myself
May 1, 2017. Monday. 12:27 P.M. Hi, Blogger! It has been so long. Today is holiday – Labor Day. Last Friday was holiday too, due to the ASEAN here in Manila. I didn’t go anywhere. I just wanted to accompany myself… Blogger, I don’t know where to start. But I guess a one-minute loving hug will do. I kind’a need it. Well, I badly need it. Sigh. Thanks. We have a lot of catching up to do, huh?
Well, it’s about Ian. I met him last August 2014 while finishing my MBA in the same year. I was extremely busy, juggling a full time work and a full time study, plus other things thrown in. I was happy and grateful aside from the fact that I entered into a secret/exclusive/physical relationship with him. I thought I was being brave and wise and that everything will fall to its right place in time. When I first met him online, I already had a feeling that he’s not looking for commitment but I admired his outlooks in life as I saw myself in him. I responded and things escalated from there. We simply clicked anyway. I was 27 and he was 30 then. I thought we were not kids or teenagers anymore. I thought I can ditch his no-commitment sense and he can ride along my desire for commitment. Two and a half years later, he couldn’t say he love me... Sigh… I even forgot what that is for… I mean it was not what I was asking from him… Sigh… I felt like my heart has just been ripped out from my chest… F*ck… I’m sorry Blogger. I think I need a moment…
9:23 P.M. Hi, Blogger. I am back. I am sorry for bolting out earlier… It has been almost two months since Ian and I had a meaningful conversation. We even went to Las Casas Filipinas last February 25. When I first came there with friends in 2013, I told myself that I will definitely come back and with someone I’ll spend the rest of my life with. At that time, I just recently moved on from my previous relationship and despite the scars I have earned, I still believe that there is someone meant for each of us in this world and I also believe I will eventually meet that someone meant for me. That wishful thought came rushing in my mind when Ian suggested that place a few months ago. I was torn. He didn’t have any idea about this wish I had in mind. I didn’t want my wish to not come true as we were not officially in a bf-gf relationship. But I ditched it. I thought it didn’t matter because I was already IN a relationship, though label-less. Also, I didn’t want anything to stop us going anywhere. Our stay went fine, although in some of our pictures I looked terrible because prior to our tour I cried (Well, I sobbed) after he teased me. I remember him saying ‘’ ayan, masyado ka kasing masaya.’’ He prefers me to have a poker face even when I feel joyous. LOL
Blogger, I can’t go on like this. You know - jumping from one relationship to another. See, I can’t even call Ian as my ex. It’s not that I want exes… Anyway, it surely was not all bad. There were a lot of good things and nice things too, but it would have been better under different circumstance. I took my chance though even if I knew he may not eventually commit. I opened up myself. I gave myself in. I burnt out… The saddest part is, if I ever walk away, he would just let me… if I go, he won’t hold me. It’s not that he couldn’t, he just won’t. If I reach out, he reminds me that he couldn’t commit with me. He couldn’t say he loves me. And that if he does love me, he won’t be impatient with me… That was a knock-out punch, blogger, don’t you think? I was emotionally tormented… I am still episodic even up to this very moment. Each day, I still kneel and beg to the Almighty to help me get by. He never fails me. I am deeply grateful that I get by somehow - one day at a time. Thank you, Lord.
Blogger, please let me be with you ones again. I never imagined I’ll be here again - broken. I’m sorry… After this, I don’t want any kind of relationship anymore - labeled or not. After Dean, I told myself I will fall in love again and with someone better than him. I will love that someone just as much as I loved him or even more and that there will be no one else because that someone will be the last person I will ever love. But now all I can do is sigh. Sigh and wish I can say the same. But twice is enough, Daisy. Your heart is too precious to be filled with wounds and scars…
Shattered, Again
April 28, 2017. Friday. 9:20 P.M. My heart still twinge with thoughts of him and my eyes still gather tears each passing day. Sometimes i scold myself for sobbing but no wise words seemed to work. I want to fix myself. I am broken and hurt more than I imagined I can ever be… Maybe when I am too hurt its not gonna hurt anymore... Sometimes, I busy myself with anything than wallowing it but it only gets worst. I guess I ran out of ways on how to deal with this sh*t. There’s just no way going around it huh? I must go through this whole fixing-my-broken-heart-thing again… Sigh. This f*ckin’ sucks. Arrgh!!!...
You know what Dizzy, sometimes, I sobbed without a single tear which I never imagined possible. Sometimes I burst out in tears like I am some kind of tear factory. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I am crying at all and what my tears are for. I think the sting of constant rejection really cuts so deep. I feel terribly stupid. I pity myself... It took me so long to put myself back together after Dean and I just let myself be shattered again. How could I???... Ian has probably moved on by now, sleeping soundly each night and getting by day after day just fine... It’s not that I want him to suffer but why, why and why I am still hurt this much... Maybe a part of me hopes he will come looking for me though I know he won’t… I wish he lied each time he tells me he doesn’t love me… I don’t want lies though. In the end, he was as cold-hearted as I first met him. He even lamely offered me friendship. ‘’Friendship is what I can only offer.’’, he said. What the f*uck! I want to scream in anger and grief…
Lord, I pray that you warm his heart. Not for me but for himself. I also pray that you heal my wounds and help me get through this. Lord, I don’t want to grow a cold heart. I am sorry Lord that I am still angry sometimes. I am sorry Lord for loving me and yet I let myself be hurt like this. Your love should have been enough. I am so sorry I got lost that I had to look for love somewhere else when You are all along beside me loving every bits of me. Lord, please help me love myself just as much you love me. I don’t know why you had Ian crossed my path but I hope I have loved him as much as You wanted me to and I hope I got what I supposed to get from this…
Tuesday, May 02, 2017
Do It Anyway (Poem)
People are often
unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive
them anyway.
If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind
anyway.
If you are
successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine
enemies. Succeed anyway.
If
you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and
sincere anyway.
What
you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create
anyway.
If
you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy
anyway.
The
good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will
never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is
between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
- Mother Teresa
- Mother Teresa
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