Random Thoughts

Status. He always come online on invisible. But lately he comes on available. We have never talked and I don't want to assume he is showing online for me to see him. He sure has other reasons which I can't mistake they are for me. He stopped talking, I got tired so I stopped talking too. I am tired fighting and holding for us and I can not put myself back into it. I am done. We are done. I have learned from the troubles I caused myself and I am meant to fix it. If he ever wants to talk to me again, he can leave me message anytime at his well very convenient time. That way it is clear coz definitely I am not a fan of assumptions.

A baby. I am always committed for us to have a baby. But as to when, that is, a real challenge. I always love and enjoy babies and kids but I can not be selfish to put them into a compromising and unfair situation because of me. I am not gonna do it because i want it or he want it or we just want it, but because we know we can be there for them for their needs - our presence, support and love in all possible ways. Our situation is hard, we both know that. And he was never ready for a relationship, which I am aware a long time ago and he said it himself very loud and clear. I am always glad I never change my mind in between joy, lust and love I felt with him. An instinct I would always follow til we are both reliable.

Visa. Whatever visa it might be, I am always hesitant to try to file. Not because I dont want to be with you but because I know you by heart. It may sound judgmental but I dont want to make things hard for you and for myself too. Where you are is seriously far but I am not afraid for a change if only you are ready. 


Sometimes, I asked myself why I stayed with him this long if I had these all in mind? Waiting is the answer I could find. Waiting til we are able coz when we started out we were students and yes we are far. Waiting til we are ready and be together. Waiting and hoping for us together, at last! That part -being ready- is most often if not always questionable though. Well I stayed because I love him and I am such a believer of a forever love even if I know there is no fairytale. That there is no perfect person so even with flaws that person is perfect in our eyes. That we always have to forgive coz every now and then we get hurt by the people we love. And that giving up is not on my list.


I am tough but I get very soft in love. And the worst part is I was getting used to it. Or maybe I got used coz I knew what to expect. At the very last time we were together, I was still that soft, I did not speak out what I wanted to say right on the spot when I am pissed, annoyed and upset, coz I did not want him hurt. I got too selfish with myself.

September 2010, I broke up with him  coz I was really tired of loving him, but gave him another chance after 3 months of trying to get me back. Then I held him and supported him even though i had a feeling we will break apart again. I dont want to break the chance I gave him and I want to see him as a man hanging on to his words and never breaking them again.


But yes, all I thought would happen, happened. When he said, he really cant do it, all I could do was to say ''okay''. Instead of getting upset, I just understood him. There is no point of holding more, I have held long enough. It is very sad but he just cant be any better. Maybe better with someone else but definitely not with me.


I always believe, we can always go through anything coz we are meant to be, but we dont think the same.
We always keep on trying coz we never give up when we found ''the one''. But I guess, to each other, we are not the one.
And marrying him?I do consider yes but it is a no til I think he is ready. And I always wanted him to be sure about us, and I would know when he is. I never want my kids to be all eldest and so his. I can bear pains if it only involves me but if with the ones I love, no!


Despite the pains I felt, there are lots of things I learned about myself and relationships I will never forget. And I still knew someday I will meet the one for me.


The sail is often better when we are apart, but when we are together the boat rocks a lot in the absence of the winds.

''When the man loves the woman so dearly, relationship seems always smooth sailing''.