Hanky

January 21, 2014. Tuesday. 4:54 P.M. At MOA. I had no idea that I will be here today. I called in sick this morning at work, giving myself some extra rest but I decided to leave work for the whole day to make the most of this so called ‘’me moment’’. It’s the enrolment week for the next term and I have a trip on Saturday with friends so I can only go to school during weekdays, i.e., another leave from work. So instead of going Thursday, which I initially planned yesterday, I went this afternoon.

 

After school, with no particular itinerary in mind, I found myself heading here to get away with myself for a little while. I took a walk and now I am having Turk’s meaty on-the-go snack roll (or whatever it’s called) and YohFroz’s strawberry banana smoothie. I love anything with strawberries so I love this moment! While savouring them, I felt something is different today, less crowded and relaxing, than the last time I was here. Then I started to recall that day and realized that it has been exactly a month (31 days ago) since I first dated Dwin. Thus, it inspires me to write this. It’s not the conversation I was expecting çoz I was hoping to write my last term’s paper requirement ones I find a conducive spot to do it. Well… I am still writing anyhow. It was then a season of love and smiles and everyone deserves to be happy. Indeed, it was ‘coz I was happy too hanging out with him. We passed by this place where I am comfortably situated. Now, I wish he is one of the few by-passers, who will then see me and greet me, ‘’Hi, Dais…’’. Hahaha Childish!

 

And… the old man sitting on the other table across mine just farted really loud and it was quite a lasting ass-roar. It ruled among all other noises. What the heck? Seriously? Do I really have to pause and listen to that when I am having a fantastic moment? ‘’Forgive the old man, Daisy. Look at him, he looked sooooo relieved…’’. Yeah, fine, lucky it didn’t stink! *pheow* lol

 

Anyway, while my right hand is scribbling this post on my notepad, my left hand is freezing I couldn’t put down my cup of smoothie. I love it too much! Slurp! Yummy strawberry smoothie!lol:-P Then I remember, I had a strawberry pearl shake with him that day. It was cold so he took my cup and wrapped his hanky around it. I reacted coz I thought that was too much. I mean, I didn’t want his hanky to end up damped, but he insisted. It was weird that I allowed it. The domesticated part of me prevailed hahaha sorry tiger! Well I never want to mess with my own hanky that’s why I always carry dry tissue in my bag but I felt confident he won’t regret it later so why not let him. I’m just not used to simple gestures such as that so I was touched anyway. ‘’C’mon, Daisy, give yourself a break!’’ Yes, absolutely I am! ^__^ Now, sitting here with my freezing hand, I just wrapped my hanky around the cup. It’s actually quite… pleasant on the hand. Looks like it’s gonna be a new habit. ‘’A good habit or a bad habit?’’ Emmm… it’s harmless so for a change why not adapt it even for a while. Ahh! I’m feeling sweet tickles up and down my spine and around my childish heart. What an adorable feeling! I think I look foolish with a cheeky smile I couldn’t wipe off my face right now! Sh*t, enough Daisy, enough! ^__^. Alright, it’s time to move. Later, alligator! ^__^.

Wrong Place

January 21, 2014. Tuesday. 9:20 A.M. I just woke up a few minutes ago and I called in sick at work. I still need a moment with myself. Every morning I wake up with him fresh in my mind. He’s stuck in my subconscious part of my brain. With a little pain in my heart about the sudden ending, all other things about it feels good. I woke up this morning with a possible reason behind all these, a reason outstanding among others messing with my head. Like I said a few times - It came unexpectedly and I was at peace with him. It’s a strange good feeling actually and looks like it is determined to stay. Well I would honestly go thru it all if I had a chance. Now, I am convinced that it was a right encounter at a wrong place(dating site) and time. I had things to realize and I bet he has too. I felt I lost a friend. My gut says, I’m on the right track. I am satisfied with that idea so the puzzle is solved! It took me quite a while to pin it down huh?! Well… all I need to do is to stop everything and contemplate about a particular thing. Now, it’s time to rock ‘n roll! Good morning blogger! ^__^.

Toss Away The Good Times

January 20, 2014. Monday. 11.50 P.M. It’s been going on for days now, perhaps, a couple of weeks. I couldn’t think straight for a single thought longer than a minute. I feel the urgency to contain myself before it gets worst. I just can’t go on with a cluttered mind. And with so much to write about many different things, I have no idea where to start. I feel like breaking.

 

My emotions had built up since last quarter of last year. I had been really busy and occupied with so much to mind . I had barely spent a quality time with myself, even as simple as writing down my thoughts. But I thought everything was going fine ‘til I became emotionally attached to this guy, Dwin. He’s my first ever date after moving on from my first ever break-up. I deeply got disappointed that the dating ended so quickly. I should have known things better. My eyes are heavy, probably from sleepiness but my tears are actually flooding my eyelids now… overflowing, rushing down to my cheeks… -__-.

 

However, I had no regrets hanging out with Dwin coz I really felt in-loved again, in fact, in a better way, in a lot of ways. Over a very short period of time, he played his sweet-and-caring-lover part, in a quite amusing way. I took a chance for a possible love. I had no hesitations. I was at peace. I felt invincible but sometimes self-confidence can be a bitch. This time I find moving-on difficult. Maybe because I’m not yet ready to let go. His name resounds in my head. Sometimes, I thought I see him around. Those moments we had keep on playing in my mind and they all make me smile, and later, frown. I no longer hear from him and it always pains me to give up so easily. But there is no more him, as if he never existed, as if those moments are nothing but fractions of a beautiful dream. I yearn for more but all I can do is mourn. As grand as it feels to reminisce them, I have to put them all behind. Maybe after this post, I can officially toss them all away to trash… Oh, blogger…

Reason To Believe

January 19, 2014. Sunday. 10.14 A.M. Yesterday I went out for dinner with Joanna after school. She became close to me despite her strong personality. Our personalities do not clash and I value people like that. It was then just the two of us ‘coz Hershey couldn’t make it. She had to stay longer in school for her presentation. Yesterday was our last day for our third term and we could have celebrated it together! Well… cheers!

 

As we went on talking and the timing was just right, I asked her if she completely believe that there is always a reason/s why people ever met or cross path. She paused for a while and said yes, then she gave me a scenario at school. Then I said, what if you happened to meet someone out of the blue, have fun together and then after a short while, it‘s gone, as if you two have not seen each other. Then she gave me another scenario depicting a possible reason behind it.

 

I love hearing other peoples view on different things and it really pays off when you are picky with friends, coz the genuine ones (doesn’t matter if you only have 1 or 2) speak of words you can always rely on. Then I said, ‘’Right! And it makes me remember the line, ‘everyone you meet always has something you do not know about. Thus, you always learn at every meeting, no matter how small it may seem.’’’

 

That’s it! All those I whined about from my previous post make sense. They were all my reasons why I had to meet Aldwin but I was caught in between my infatuation and wanting him around rather than letting him go and appreciating what meeting him brought to my life. As much as I crave to have someone to share life with, I can’t be pushy about it to the one I desire. I do express my feelings but the initial part of relationship always goes down to a man with a desire and willpower to be with me rather than me chasing after a man.

 

I am glad about myself that after so much pain in loving, I still can manage to feel in love and go an extra mile to try fall in love. Loving is still a blessing and I have lots of it to share. But for now, I have to keep my head straight, with work and school. I need to review for my comprehensive written and oral exams for this year while taking the last two terms of my MBA. So, as to dating, I’m taking a break but keeping my line open. And love… well… love will eventually come my way at the right time. I believe so.

 

I don’t really look at anyone’s looks or possessions or benefits I can possibly have ‘coz I believe I can be successful in my own way. I prefer to always look on how a person is towards me ‘coz it’s something that will always matter when life turns sour. I am still hopeful that someday, that someone will come into my life and will play that part. Cheers for the future, blogger! ^__^

Killing Braincells

January 17, 2014. Friday. 12:54 A.M. I cannot sleep. Ahhhh! Damn’it, Dwin! You are stuck in my head and I couldn’t get rid of you. It’s not that I don’t want to, I just couldn’t. The world seems to be against me tonight. Oh God, it’s really killing me. It’s killing my braincells! This feels crueller than moving on from my ex!!! Sh*t!!! I don’t know why this is happening to me. Oh my… I’m serious. I really need some divine intervention right now. I trust my guts and I will always do but… this??? Why the hell Aldwin came into my life in the first place. Jeez!!! And then, check out after a while. What the hell was that for? Are u kidding me? It doesn’t just make sense to me. C’mon, help me out here, I’m running out of wit. Blogger, answer me, will you!?

 

Emmm… maybe I am upset coz I couldn’t find any reason to be upset about and that’s upsetting me?! I am talking nonsense now. I want him to stay around, yes, but I understood why he shouldn’t. Maybe I am tired of understanding? I don’t think so. What’s killing me is that I couldn’t find a concrete reason why I had to know him? I don’t know him well enough even. Why I had to meet him? I just met him twice, that’s all. Maybe fate destined us to meet so I will feel how it’s like to hold hands? To experience holding hands with someone? That’s just the stupidest reason I ever heard! Or maybe to somehow touch him by my caring words and wisdom? Hahaha That’s awful! I don’t think I have that so much effect LOL Or maybe I am a control freak? And it’s frustrating me not getting what I want? Well he’s not a thing to possess, so no, I don’t really think so. Besides I already emailed him and he did reply to say adios. Maybe I expected otherwise? No. I knew he won’t be staying and from the very beginning I was prepared for this possible ending. So, why I am whining then? I don’t know Daisy, I don’t know, that’s why I am here harassing blogger!LOL well I have prayed after he replied, that God please forbid him to contact me ever again if we are not for each other. It will save us both pains. But why I’m still hoping to hear from him? I think I’m going to have a brain-damage from thinking about it all. Maybe some things just happen for no reason at all. Why I even bother for this to matter? Go away please… I’m begging you… let me sleep… let me rest… Sigh. Errrrr EEEnough!!! I’m just gonna message him on his birthday hahaha stupidity! :-P

Quit Dating 101

January 14, 2014. Tuesday, 10:50 P.M. I hate this. I’m not holding anyone’s hands anymore. Ahhh!!! I’m not in love though but I felt some kind of ‘’connection’’ from hanging out with Aldwin. And now that it’s over, I feel brokenhearted. Maybe because I like him and as much as I hate not getting what I want, I need to back off. He is a friend who needs a lot of time to heal. I wish I could help him move on, but it’s something he has to work on by himself even if he’s not saying it. I can feel him. I have been there - dismayed from the last relationship. ‘til he is ready to be hurt again, he cannot pursue on dating. I pray he can collect his emotions back soon, which is really a hard work. It takes a lot of patience and determination - A hell lot of guts! Then one day, he can take a risk loving again and hopefully have someone who would love him the way he would. I wish him the best of luck coz it’s something I want for myself.

 

I knew we can’t go any further the moment he finally opened up about his past relationship which ended early last year. That was exactly the thing I sensed in his aura. And I felt trusted when this closed-to-himself fella was able to share sensitive topics with me. I was really surprised he was trying to date again. Personally, I went through I lot of emotional battles with myself before I could finally say, ‘’I’m ready to try again’’. Blogger, u were my star witness, how many emotional episodes I had and they were all not funny. I even wrote a bitter-sweet anniversary poem for that break-up!!! Break-ups are never funny anyway coz it always hurts when u love. But ‘’feeling in love’’ and ‘’feeling loved’’ are some of those best things to have in this world. So, get on ur feet Dwin and move on!!!

 

Anyway, we had two hangouts filled with good memories. I felt free, happily hanging out with someone i have known for less than a month. I am always picky and cautious with people but to Dwin I had like an instant connection. My heart and mind were at peace so it was an easy feeling to meet him. Although, I was really nervous walking towards him where he was waiting for me for the first time but I did feel confident I was doing alright. It was a very different feeling compared to meeting my ex before, which was about my stubbornness and too much self-confidence. I would always push my way to prove everybody wrong. I was of course happy being there for him which became a habit or perhaps a responsibility no matter what he does. We were totally different with so many things and to me, it was a big challenge!

 

This HHWD (holding hands while walking) and simple touches I had with Dwin were my first time and I just felt really touched. My ex was not at all expressive so I learned not expecting anything, not getting anything and getting something I like (material/gesture) was sooooo seldom and weird it was hard to appreciate. Anyway, dating Dwin was smooth and charming!!! I wasn’t trying to impress him at all. I was completely myself. Unreal! And because of that I am smitten and heartbroken at the same time. Now, I have to set aside dating for a while. I just can’t go on holding random hands, I’m just not like that. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. It’s the second time around after realizing there can be NO Steve and Daisy anywhere in the future hahaha Now my first ever actual date turned out unsuccessful. It looks like I’ve no luck with love hahaha well Dwin was a different story and it was a really good try. I would go through it again if I had a chance. So long, Dwin!

 

I wonder who will I bump into again and when? For now, no more dating for a while and just focus on my job hunt and my MBA. *pheow!* Blogger, wish me luck! ^__^.

Be Honest (poem)

Every passing minute in these past few days

I hover over my phone and emails despite my busyness

I’m excited, almost desperate, for a word from you

But each time I do, I’m waiting in vain for your hello.

 

I liked your simple touches as if caressing my inner self

Reminding me to loosen up and just enjoy the moment

But then this peaceful and easy feeling is overrated

So is ‘’dating’’ like many other things… I guess.

 

I had realizations from hanging out with you
And I am grateful our paths have ever crossed

So long, my friend, Dwin, your number is long gone

I wish you the best luck for the right woman of your life.

 

~ Dizzy ~