Tough Love

Never did occur to me that I could be this cold to someone I have loved and cared so much. The thought of it hurts me and my soul and my tears gather so fast to fall. I feel weak. Yes I am weak inside, as soft as a pudding. Dam’it! That’s funny. I know I still have somewhat unsettled feelings. And to be honest, I want to reply to his messages, I do, but my head takes over. What for- why I’ll reply? I can’t seem to rationalize that. Why did he message me after all? To see if I’m okay? Sure I am – why wont I be? Im used to the man who is always leaving and I’m really sick about that. I know that simplicity is true beauty but it takes more than simple messages of, ‘’lets talk’’, ‘’we don’t have to be strangers’’, ‘’hope your well’’, to actually make me respond to him. I can’t expect myself to open up and welcome everything with wide open arms just like that, again. In my head, I had surrendered the fight. I don’t even have a slightest clue what it has to take for me to respond to him in any way. An explanation why I don’t want to reply, a ‘’no, thank you’’, are pointless to me. It hurts me not to, but even the hurt seems pointless. Other than that, I don’t want to hurt him with my words so I’d rather shut up. I don’t want to hear his side, in whatever version he likes. There’s too much at stake. I put my heart in the line but he did not clear his head out. I have to learn the art of ignoring. There’s a boy in the line, he better clear his head out and I better clear my head out. Last week was the right time for me to come back online but definitely now is not the right time for a conversation with him. I don’t know when or how, but I don’t care. ‘’Come what may’’. I’ve forgiven him but I don’t want another intended sorry. And perhaps I am still upset about myself. Truly, this place is the best way to pour my heart out without killing my brain cells. I’m really glad about you blogger.