Head Held High

Last day... of daydreaming, of long movie marathon, of countless ''game overs'', of playing with a hyper 6-month old hybrid dog named ''Chachu'', of waking up late for consecutive days, of preparing and eating healthier food, of walking forth and back from our mini farm, ... Of being around papa, mama, bigbro and 'lil sis, all in one place, talking and helping about whatever. With 3 more dogs at the backyard, a few chickens, a goat, a couple of cows, thousands of honeybees nesting in a 20-liter container and buzzing every now and then,... its hard to get bored. It's overwhelming! Indeed, there is no place like home.

 

I am glad I am never afraid to venture outside my home. And though I will always be away from where I grew up, I can always find a temporary home in my heart and will always find a way to keep coming back in my hometown. I owe the kind of strength from my parents, who had taught me well- to be responsible with myself and my decisions.

 

Tomorrow I am back to the big city. I am coming back to the world I have built by chance or luck or grace (However it is, I am proud of it!) With my head held high, don't you dare spoil my days! I am counting on you ^__^.

 

A happy soul bloggers!

Humble Days

Time is slow and any second when I lay down, I’ll be in an express lane to dreamland. My days here are humble, totally different than in the big city, where undying lights and noises and too much busyness and all sorts of pollutions are everywhere. Though my place there is quiet enough, something around keeps me awake very late and I’d have to force myself to sleep for work in a few hours. Here, I’d just fall asleep so fast when I practically hate sleeping! Before I got here I didn’t plan to hang out and now I am sticking to my plan without jeopardizing my mood. I'd get up and speed my way out incase anyway ‘coz I find it hard to handle boredom or simply because I don't allow it lol Good thing I am occupied enough for school. In between, I can manage an ample time for daydreaming, reminiscing and reading a nonfiction book. And daydreaming again. I hope I won’t gain weight ‘coz I have the tendency to eat slightly over the usual when I’m not running outside like a stallion LOL

Better Disposition

I am glad to be back in my hometown for Easter break. I have a better disposition now than if I came home last December ‘coz I was still in the middle of fixing my broken heart. I ran some errands yesterday around in my small city and I could see me and him in my memories from the places we have been. No big deal. This may be a small place and everyone has known us ones, it is still all up to me how I will take things.

Not A Friend Material

I deleted him this morning in my messenger list. Not because I am upset but because I want convenience, for myself and for him (in case he is bothered by me coming back online after months 'coz he has been online a lot lately too). After I replied to him days ago, he seemed couldn’t see me at all. I messaged him today, initiating a conversation. And then, I couldn’t find him to be a friend material and I think he feels the same towards me. Earlier, he seemed to be a short-tempered or a defensive angry man and I didn't like it. I found that kind of confidence quite charming before but not anymore. I'm done being too understanding anyway. Well, though my interest is gone, I am truly glad to know that he’s been seeing his son a lot ‘coz I always like to imagine and bet with myself and everyone that he’s at his best for him, thinking mostly of him. With that, I felt my spirit lifted up and I am convinced that today is the day to finally eliminate him in my list and me in his. I am happy to totally let him go, even without a trace of me. Given the ability to remember so many things, almost every little detail, I hope for thoughts and memories of all sorts about us be deleted too. I’m not sure how coz my memory is powerful but according to my guts, deleting him in my messenger list will help.

Euphoria

During a seminar, a woman asked, ‘’ How do I know if I am with the right person?’’

The author then notice that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, ‘’It depends. Is that your partner?’’. In all seriousness, she answered ‘’How do you know?’’

‘’ Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind.’’ Replied the author.

Here’s the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle…in the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called ‘’falling’’ in love.

People in love sometimes say, ‘’I was swept off my feet. ‘’Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’ a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, ‘’Am I with the right person?’’ and as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you ones had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their happiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And temporarily you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later.

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without you partner), Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a ‘’decision’’. Not just a feeling.

Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO…!!!

A Good Day

March 16, 2013. Saturday. I came home at 9.30 P.M. tonight. I went out with 10 of my MBA classmates for a little get-together-dinner after a really tensed but successful session in our last subject, ‘'Principles of Marketing’’. The whole time for the subject matter was fully consumed (3-6.30 P.M.) - nonstop, but it ended with a great relief followed by a big applause echoing in the classroom.

 

At the Spanish-ambiance restaurant, a few turns away, we walked in and devoured the food we ordered. During the time being, some came up with an idea of sharing each other’s first impression, which took less than a minute for everybody to agree. It was not a bad idea at all, especially at this early before anyone become attached or close. Also, it’ll give way for self-evaluation how we seem to appear before everyone since we also study ‘’behavior’’. Like the usual, I heard what I often hear from anyone who meets me, that is, I look strict at first but when I start to open my mouth, they find me ‘’naturally cheerful’’ and its synonyms, used by others. One emphasized, she admires me for being ‘’discipline’’, for always bringing in the class my breakfast in a glass, the veggie/fruit smoothie. I remembered, one Saturday, I promised Hershey I’ll bring a glass of smoothie for her, which a few curious girls tasted too and liked it. She liked it and said, as simple as blending takes a strong will, ‘coz she herself is struggling to make her diet any good. And the veggie/fruity smoothie tastes damn good than what she had imagined, she added. I am humbled hearing it and it gives me an additional motivation to keep doing it. It actually becomes the usual scenario every Saturday that one or two get curious what I am bringing for the day. I find it really funny, though, they find me quite serious with my smoothie thing. The whole smoothie idea, aside from its healthy, is simply fun, throwing stuffs in a blender. This ‘’IT guy’’ as we all call him, with the majority of first impression of being ‘’the thinker’’, called me ‘’Dora’’ from Dora the explorer. His first impression to me was, he always finds me with a lot of stuffs in my bag pack – food of a few kinds, a drinking bottle and a thermal bottle/glass, among my notes, laptop and other personal stuffs. That I am Dora, with everything I need right in my bag pack just when I needed them, from the first day of classes until now. I took it as a compliment and I might start liking my new name LOL Hershey, Eman and I, made a first impression to everyone as the ‘’instant golden empire’’ sprouted at the back. I remember writing about my first day in MBA when I met Eman and Hershey, which was really fun. I never thought everyone, literally everyone, had noticed us, that in just a matter of minutes, we liked each other’s company and still do. Though Eman was separated ‘coz I and Hershey transferred in front, the three of us remained a strong little group. A few called Hershey and I, best friends in the classroom. I guess we are, indeed, we simply complement each other, as well as Eman, who is a time bomb in a positive way. Hershey is a psychology graduate, taking up BBM-MBA (2 programs for the non-business grads). She shared her first impression to me, as someone she doesn’t have to change seatmate the whole term. She has to pick well where she sits coz she hates moving around, she said. I remember her first MBA day, I was already situated in the classroom when she opened the door, looked around for a second and then walked straight to the vacant seat beside me and settled herself without a word. Minutes passed and I was hell bored (as I expected myself), and the professor being late has succeeded killing my mood. I started talking to Hershey, then Eman from the other side had transferred seat close to us and butted in to whatever conversation we had and we made a hell lot of talks together. It was a really good day!

 

Most of my classmates are generous with their knowledge and helpful, and I like them. In the class, we are a group of individuals gathered together, hungry to explore and learn and to share in the process. We share and share. Aside from Eman (The Mr. Congeniality, 29) and Hershey (The Ms. Consistent, 27), there is Rowena (The knowledgeable, 37) on my left, Jhoana (The witty, 27) at my back, and 3 other guys, Clarence (the thinker, 30) and Levi (the very kindhearted, 21) and Josel (The Leader, 28), who I can easily approach and vice versa. They’re all over the cheerful Dora (The Discipline) LOL We hold quite a title! These seven are my close buddies every Saturday. I have more interactions with them than everyone in the class which I am really glad about.

 

Saturday is a day I look forward to, wishing to have dedicated more time for it during weekdays ‘coz I am still caught in between my work and study, struggling to gain the proper balance. The transitions from work to study and back to work still overwhelm me, but I believe I get through it soon enough. I can’t wish my Saturday any better ‘coz I simply enjoy spending it for the program. Unfortunately, next Saturday I will be home in the province and I will be absent in my 3 classes. There will be a quiz in one of my subjects and my cheerfulness totally left me when it was announced. My ass was on fire and it was painful to settle how I feel. I have booked my tickets last November and I can’t reschedule it, otherwise it’ll cost me a lot more and I can’t let my brother John to go ahead of me. As sad as I was, I asked the professor if he can give me assignments to make up my missed quiz, and given my reason, he approved to give me a special quiz when the classes resume after Easter break. I was so delighted, I was nearly in tears! Thank you Sir, I could give u a big hu! Today has been good to me ^__^.

A Healed Friend

March 14, 2013. Thursday. 9 P.M. Yesterday, I woke up feeling like a conqueror. I felt invincible, that nothing could harm or hurt me in any possible way – not anymore. I couldn’t remember what I had dream before waking up but whatever it was, it healed me completely. Very well then, I got up and came to work, with a higher spirit. I thought to reply to my ex’s message sent last week but he was not online. He was probably in an invisible status but I don’t want to assume he was there. I don’t want to use a messenger spy to confirm either. No big deal. I was not disappointed. Today, I seen him online as ‘’available’’, so I sent my reply. Then, he replied. We said the usual HI’s and hello’s, a few minutes before his bedtime. Sadness was not felt, even longing and hoping have already left me totally. And since he messaged me first, I took it as he still wanted to communicate. And I’m not planning to know his reason/s, if he has. Everyone is entitled for a communication, every now and then, even a little. We were ones friends, we talked anything, laughed at anything, stuffs like that, but love and disappointments came along and we stopped being friends. It was overwhelming and I have lots to learn about relationships. Now, what I can give in this chapter is my availability as a friend, just like how I am with my friends. Truly, I am loving how I feel.

Messing Around

March 10, 2013. Sunday. 10.30PM. I went out this afternoon with Remy, Faith and Russell to a nearby monumental tourist spot. We got to have a break, to laugh and mess around. It’s worth every second of it after a long and busy week. I had a good time today! ^__^.

Tough Love

Never did occur to me that I could be this cold to someone I have loved and cared so much. The thought of it hurts me and my soul and my tears gather so fast to fall. I feel weak. Yes I am weak inside, as soft as a pudding. Dam’it! That’s funny. I know I still have somewhat unsettled feelings. And to be honest, I want to reply to his messages, I do, but my head takes over. What for- why I’ll reply? I can’t seem to rationalize that. Why did he message me after all? To see if I’m okay? Sure I am – why wont I be? Im used to the man who is always leaving and I’m really sick about that. I know that simplicity is true beauty but it takes more than simple messages of, ‘’lets talk’’, ‘’we don’t have to be strangers’’, ‘’hope your well’’, to actually make me respond to him. I can’t expect myself to open up and welcome everything with wide open arms just like that, again. In my head, I had surrendered the fight. I don’t even have a slightest clue what it has to take for me to respond to him in any way. An explanation why I don’t want to reply, a ‘’no, thank you’’, are pointless to me. It hurts me not to, but even the hurt seems pointless. Other than that, I don’t want to hurt him with my words so I’d rather shut up. I don’t want to hear his side, in whatever version he likes. There’s too much at stake. I put my heart in the line but he did not clear his head out. I have to learn the art of ignoring. There’s a boy in the line, he better clear his head out and I better clear my head out. Last week was the right time for me to come back online but definitely now is not the right time for a conversation with him. I don’t know when or how, but I don’t care. ‘’Come what may’’. I’ve forgiven him but I don’t want another intended sorry. And perhaps I am still upset about myself. Truly, this place is the best way to pour my heart out without killing my brain cells. I’m really glad about you blogger.

Baby Vaio

March 6, 2013. Wednesday. 11.00 P.M. I got home at 9.30 tonight, mentally drained, physically exhausted and emotionally high. Why? I had slept for 2 hrs with no nap in 48 hours, I had buried myself at work for Monday and Tuesday, and…. I got myself a Sony Vaio mini laptop!

 

A black coffee is always, to me, a solution for a bad headache but it keeps me awake for hours and hours and gives me palpitations. I had a headache for two days and so yesterday I forced myself to enjoy 2…even 3 cups. I was a coffee addict ones so I’m avoiding it as much as I can but… it’s my headache remedy. Whenever I smell a coffee, oh my god, I’d kill for a cup of it. And when I get to taste it, it’s hard not to have another cup. Well, my headache went in just a few minutes and in return I was only able to sleep around 4 am early this morning then woke up very tired and went to work. My runny nose made the coffee effect way a lot stronger. I still have it until now though headache was long gone. Sneezing is exhausting. I don’t know how I got this which still puzzles me til now. It started on Monday when I seemed to wake up with it and since then I’ve been sneezing. It’s probably allergy. Lately, I’ve been drinking a lot of cold drinks and spraying perfume. I hope it will spare me tomorrow.

 

I demand myself to be better with time management. I want to keep my focus with my work overloads and at the same time I want my focus with my MBA program. Starting last week I aimed to leave work on time, 5.30 in the afternoon, at least during Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays so I have more time for my MBA stuffs before I sleep during those nights and before my whole day Saturday classes. It doesn’t matter if my two first weekdays are consumed solely for work, if it will pay better focus.

 

Today is Wednesday and I am scheduled to be reading for my research and doing assignments, but I’m too overwhelmed. I left work as scheduled but went with Remy to a nearby shop to check out those travel/mountain/huge-but-lightweight backpacks. I saw those lastweek and told her which made her curious to have a look. I wanted one like it, she does too. Now, I dream I have one, and I bet she does too LOL we’ll see in a few weeks or before all the stocks are sold LOL

 

After the backpacks, I proceeded to Sony center and bought in ‘’debit’’ card an 11.6’’ Vaio E series laptop. It’s not much but I can’t be more proud of myself ‘coz I’m already pretty much very proud. I got my silly look the whole day for that particular moment to be materialized. It’s my first ever purchase of a laptop, courtesy by my own pocket! The second gadget I purchased after Samsung android last year. With the help of Remy and her friend, I had a better view of the item. They’ve been sending me options for Lenovo and Acer but I couldn’t settle for any, though the Lenovo yoga and the Acer touchscreen/ ultrathin would do great and will perfectly rip me off at the same time LOL Then my only Ex-boyfriend sent me a message, saying, ‘’lets talk sometimes, we don’t have to be strangers,……’’ Seriously??? There is actually a chat box in between laptops to choose upon? Well, none was taken. The nerve to say to me about ‘’being a stranger’’ was brave ‘coz my memory is clear about how he made me feel like a total stranger.  He forcefully taught me to stay away from him. So I’m just as always being helpful. Then options for Sony came in the picture and right there and then I know I just saw what I want. Close the chatbox without replying. Sony – check! Price – check! Size- check! I got you baby Vaio LOL

 

I was supposed to get it from Remy’s friend but the product won’t be delivered ‘til Friday and I need it on Saturday in the class. My old pc which my brother Jay gave to me has to be plugged at all times for power. The battery gave up last year, after the charger gave up the other year. It’s meant to retire but I love it so much already, that even with broken parts, I don’t want to give up on it. In fact I am very saddened I had to get one soon, though I know I eventually have to. It’s a worn out laptop and tested by time but still best for me ‘coz it’s still working well. I guess, for now. I initially planned to get a new one last December but I thought to skip it ‘til next December ‘coz I have tuitions to pay but my first guts is my first guts.

 

Right now, I am writing using my old one, my HP mini. It’s my way of saying a farewell – initial farewell ‘coz all my files are still here. My new one is sitting pretty waiting for me to start filling its memory. I’ll finish this night and I’ll be all over the new one. I seem to have trouble eliminating old ones, don’t I? Well…‘’waiting for the pain is worse than the real thing?’’ Yes and No. LOL I’m always happy with one at a time anyway. Cheers for my new baby! ^__^.

Record Updates

March 3, 2013. Sunday. 10 PM. It’s been a while since I last wrote about my days and before I start to forget everything I want to write them all down now. I want to keep as much records as I can to laugh about when I get old and older LOL

The other Friday was a work performance evaluation day for all the staffs in every department conducted by its managers. We never had evaluation in the past years (as far as I can remember). I was evaluated after my first 3 months in the company then after another 3 months to be a regular. That was so far the evaluations everyone had after getting hired. The company swelled so another sister company was born last 2011. The mother company shrinks in size and number, and then it’s been growing its belly again from having one additional vessel after another. Anyway, I’m one of those who were retained in the mother company. We have a new management so there has been quite a lot of a change since then. Moving on with the evaluation, I was evaluated by my manager and so far so good! Among 12 specific skills/knowledge rated from 1-5, where 1 is the lowest, I had two 5’s (integrity with work and attention to details), two 4’s (I already forgot what they were), and the rest are 3’s (meeting the expectations/policies, something like that) Some of the 3’s I’d say was rated unfair but I don’t want to argue to say I’ve done more than what was expected from me. Well, to our new manager, for a year now, I don’t want to make anything hard for her when our department is already struggling with workloads and her being under so much pressure. So I just said okay to her and took the result as they were but it was really hard to write a comment on the evaluation sheet. Plus, I hate work politics! Here’s what I wrote after about 4 hours of constant mind battles LOL…. Every day, I am always pleased to know that I’ve done a job well, regardless the extra time needed to spend to meet the work demands. To me, it is already a self- accomplishment and I am very much willing to keep pleasing myself for my own good and for the company I work for.

 

Last week, I had two lunch dates. One for Remy’s birthday - your gray hair is ashamed by your youthful looks my dear! The second was a treat by Russell, one of the accounting cadets back then. After being onboard ones, he’s joining this month as third officer after passing the exam. He took us (accounting staffs) for lunch to celebrate. Quite an achiever - be safe onboard and never let the waves wash away your cheerfulness, Sir!

 

Also, last week, I’ve been attending meetings (all 3) for the new payroll system during working hours. It was killing me to be away from my desk really. Last Friday felt like Wednesday! My time table is hurt. Ouch! I don’t even want to think of Monday yet, but Monday is tomorrow, I have to face it. Oh my…. I hope I won’t have many distractions then, but I doubt that LOL Well, c’mon, hurry up and torture me before I get bored and fall asleep! LOL

 

I’m back online on yahoo when 2013 hits March. It’s my ID, I can do whatever I want with it. I started to question myself, why in the world I stopped using it for 10 months. It was for the good of everybody why I stayed away anyway. Well, next month - April, will be a year since I first went to Bangkok, to spend time with him, for us. Then our return became a month of a long agonizing affair. So now I’m back online, a month ahead of the celebration for another month of long affair – a good one! I initially planned to be back next month but I felt now is the right time. I need it as well for an on-time email updates. It’s hard to track them with my messenger off at work. I don’t get alerts right away on my screen! Well, welcome back to me!

 

Yesterday, in one of my MBA classes, I was one of those first few brave souls who volunteered to stand before the class and the meticulous professor to present our prepared case analysis. I was the fourth presentor, after Mr. Engineer (a business enthusiast now), Mr. President (a fast food store manager who was elected as class president) and Mr. Accountant. I was slightly nervous and I mumbled at first but I’ve recovered after a minute. You made it, Daisy, you made it! Whoo-hoh! I’m kinda challenged to do that a lot in the class LOL

 

Today, I had a facial care from one of my discounted vouchers. What a lovely treat – diamond peel! Then I tagged along with Remy and her sister, going to a supermarket sale, where they always shop and I haven’t been into. Surprisingly, I’ve saved some penny there. Now I have another alternative place to go to buy goods and stuffs.

 

Alright, its time to devote some time to read before sleeping. Tonight will be with John Grisham – I missed his book. So, Philip Kotler and whoever, stay back for now! LOL ^__^

Life Is A Show

 

February 28, 2013. Thursday. 11:30 P.M. I’ve watched a mime show for the first time in person. Time of Mime 2. I got 3 tickets from my MBA classmate who works as a marketing director in the cultural center of the Philippines. Thanks to him. The one-hour show was fantastic! I have to check every now and then for some theater show with free admission there. His marketing strategy is obviously working on me. I took my roommate Angel and Sheila was supposedly be with us too but she learned today she couldn’t leave work on time which made me feel so sad for the unused ticket. Remy couldn’t fill in coz she’s tired from the series of trip she has been lately. I barely asked her coz I knew how she feels though if given a better condition shed be willing to come. I wish someone else had used the extra ticket I asked for. Well, BRAVO Sir Naoki!!! I and Angel enjoyed the show very much. The audience was amazed by your extra ordinary talent. And at some points, watching the show gives my fire an extra glow.

 

‘’Life is a show. You get on stage and make the moment count by doing best. You maybe well-prepared but its not always flawless. Attitude, attitude and attitude. A good attitude is the best fixture which makes the show interesting. You are your own life’s artist. Yes, I am!’’ - Dizzy

Stay Away (poem)

I’m staying away before you hypnotize me

Changing my mind and loving my stupidity

When I look into your eyes, I can buy all your lies

What the hell, I’m terrified with these denials!

 

~ Dizzy ~