Rejoice The Miles

January 30, 2013. Wednesday. 10.30 AM. Every single day, memories linger in my head but I keep them in check to not cause any emotional instability throughout the day. It’s very easy for me to expose myself into things that would remind me of anything about it- pains, gladness, whatever, and it’s what I did and still do. I’m a sadist to myself in a way. I’m not afraid to face my darkest emotions; I’d rather dig deeper to uncover it all. Only then I can find clarity and peace within me. And last week, at the boarding gate in the BKK airport, I just broke down. It was a moment that kept on playing in my head these days and I think I was very much upset about myself more than anything or anyone in this world. For the choices I made that only led to more pains, not only to myself but to the ones I care. I was very upset about placing myself into a position where cheating and a new life had happened, yet I still stood up believing things would still work out. I blended and fought hard. It wasn’t naivety but denial. I was too weak that I gave him another chance after I broke up with him. I was too selfish that I started defending us again for one more nothing. And I was too sure that ones I reach my point I’d turn my back and it’s no turning back. He pushed me so hard and harsh that it hurt and insulted me so bad. But he was right to do it. He’s better without my presence. They’re better without my presence. And I’m better without his presence. This time I rejoice we are miles away.