Persevere

February 2, 2013. Friday. 2AM. Before I leave reading and go to bed, I want to write some of my thoughts down to keep them in a secured and restful place – here. These weeks have been really toxic especially at work but I can’t complain, not because I just can’t but because I barely had a moment to think of anything else while busy minding one demand after another. Many things had occupied my mind and were exhausting at some points that I’m tempted to toss away everything off my hands and make a grand exit. (Applause!!! LOL) But at the back of my mind is a very cautious alert, reminding me to keep going as if a wonderful reward is just waiting for me at the end to be collected. I’m comforted by fact that despite the many things occupying my mind, my thoughts are well-organized and protected from any distractions. However, I would kill for fewer hours at work to spend for my research and assignments. LOL Damn, I’m trilled with my MBA! Quite a goal!

 

On the other side of my mind, a strong feeling can really change something and or someone. I realized that my all-time principle, ‘’Persevere while others quit.’’ has been thru a lot of tests. My lengthy patience has been affected which I re-measure from time to time now. I’ve been at all times reasonable towards everything, with my heart giving all considerations it can find and hope for. But it is bad when I have to dig out reasons before I could say I love this or that, rather than simply being blown away with a first thought of ‘’I simply love it!’’. Following my shortened patience, I become more decisive than I was before. I limit my considerations a lot now, and at some points, give nothing at all, as long as it’s easy in the heart too. ‘’It’s hard to take so much for so long’’ so I need to revalue my patience. It is something I love about myself and I don’t want it be broken by short tempers leading to sudden decisions without a thought. And I still hope a lot, but as usual expect nothing. Can’t spoil me, smiling – what else I can say? ^__^

 

Come Back (poem)

Come back to me and I’d forget

The tears I shed and my heartache

Come back to me I’m lonely

I imagine your arms wrapped around me

All the stars see me cry tonight

So broke and dying inside

I’m enslaved by my feeling

And there is no way I’d win

How could you disappear on me

When I need you badly

You’re supposed to be here beside me

To kiss away this pain I carry

Come back to me, my baby

Hold me close and let me love you

Let’s put the pieces back together

And never say goodbye again

~ Dizzy ~

I Got It (poem)

I have a long road to take

To explore and to learn

When the world is daunting

I know I got myself to depend

My family and true friends

They’d find me unshaken

However things may turn

They got me I got them

My life, to live just ones

Is filled with hopes and desires

And blessed with mighty support

My all time available comfort

 

~Dizzy ~

 

 

New Buddy (poem)

Tiger, oh tiger, of all sorts

You are adorable and cute

Your eyes are just beautiful

I can’t resist their look

 

I am impressed by your boldness and charm

Standing and defending your ground

You are a fighter and naturally wild

But I also adore your nurturing side

 

Nemo, my fish buddy for years is safe

He’s no longer here I am relieved

Or I will find my new buddy tiger here

Licking paws from his tasty meal

 

I’m a silly kid with tiger stuffs

I’m so happy I got one for valentines

I got you tiger, I got you

Ops, tiger, watch your paw!

~ Dizzy ~

ASTRA Valentino (poem)

I am privileged for this day

An opportunity I just can’t slip away

To express my gratitude

With a simple ‘’Happy Heart’s Day, Sir!’’

You are someone we look up to

Inspired by your remarkable works

To dream, to toil and to reach

To discover, to grow and to succeed

The philosophy you live by, ‘’Time is gold.’’

Has riveted in our minds for our goals

‘’Indeed, Sir, but you also have a true heart of gold.’’

Which we really appreciate through our hard work

With all the blessings you have in life

And for everyone who truly cares

May all happy hearts surround you today

To keep you comfortable and safe

Roses are red, violets are blue

You’re one of the nicest people I ever know

As I wish you a happy Heart’s Day

Through this poem I wrote for you

Happy Heart’s Day, Sir!

~ Dizzy ~

Last Monday morning at work, we shuffled names and picked. I’ve picked the president’s name and I totally had no idea how to surprise him as my valentine for this Valentines Day. I woke up the following day, still puzzled what was I gonna get or do. Then I realized, why not pull out something from what I enjoy to do, which is writing whatsoever here in blogger. I wrote a poem while working in the morning and asked Remy to read and comment in the afternoon. It took me ‘til 2am shuffling words that will best express my thoughts, and be satisfied with my masterpiece. I hate giving for the sake of giving, rather than giving and being glad doing it. Now that’s the finish product, right in a slip-in photo frame, with of course his name and date today written on the back. I hope he’d like it ‘coz I wrote it by heart. It’s funny ‘coz when everyone exchanged valentine surprises, he had my name. The president and I had each others surprises! He got me a pair of lingerie from Marks and Spencer. Good thing his 2 children are all women, he (perhaps one of his daughters) got me the right sizes. I never expect anything to receive so anything will do for me incase there is, and I’m happy to just give. A few roses were handed to me today - one piece after another. As simple and cheeky as they are, but they make me smile. A nice valentine after all. And I got myself something lastnight, my new buddy, a tiger!

 

Happy heart’s day bloggers!^__^.

A Challenge

February 9, 2013. Saturday. 11 PM. Classes had started today and I am challenged. It’s been 5 years since I graduated college and it is very refreshing to be back studying. I missed school. This time I want to give my best shot. Not because I did not give my best during my college years but because I want to make most of my study now. I was occupied with a lot of things. At some point, I was working as a service crew in a fast food chain after my classes, which I would never exchange for anything though. I totally loved the experience. I eventually had to leave it coz diploma was the main goal after all. I helped my parents with the family business too so whenever I was home, it seldom was for self study or anything related to it. But family comes first so it really didn’t bother me. I was busy with my love life as well, occupying same amount of time I spent in my classes everyday. I was madly in love. Now that I am doing it on my own, with just me and my full time job, I am hopeful to learn as far as I can possibly take. There’s no limit in education and that’s how it should be for me or for anyone else. I need to grow in a lot of ways and if I don’t open myself to all possibilities, then I am setting my education a limit. I am still in a process of finding what I really want with my life. I thought I found it - that was, to work my way to the success of a relationship no matter what’s in the way but when it ended, I was convinced that somehow I thought my life the wrong way. I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I am definitely in-charge of myself.  And we always hold our time, don’t we all? When the day ended today, I feel privileged to be living really close to school. No one in the class lives closer than I am, and the thought challenges me to make my travel-free time valuable.  A welcome back and a goodluck, for me. Cheers! ^__^

Do Not Wait

Most of us go through life as failures, because we are waiting for the "time to be right" to start doing something worthwhile. Do not wait. The time will never be "just right." Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.

My Feeling Show (poem)

In this world my love you are the best
To me your cheekiness is a magic

And your ways I always appreciate

Each move you do I simply follow

With no doubt I’d let my feeling show

When I have to go even for an hour or two

My passes is right on your sweet lips

It makes me smile whenever we part

The mark of your kiss I can’t just miss

`Coz without your touch I’m helpless

And look what I just brought you

It’s the fruit of my thought of you

No one else deserves my very best

`Coz in my life I’m proud I have you

You love me and you let me love you

My dear wife, you have me and I have you

 

~ Dizzy ~

 

Whenever I’m with either of my two elder brothers, I just can’t help but enjoy the presence of love in the air. The bonding they have with their wife is a daily friendship and flirting sewed into one.
So why not write something lovey-dovey for them. It’s the month of hearts as well.

 

~ 0 ~

 

February 3, 2013. Sunday. 9 PM. I stayed for hours at the hospital today helping my second elder brother and his wife with their time looking after their little angel, who got very sick sine after midnight. They haven’t slept at all so I checked in. I am as always as happy to be of help especially to my niece. She’s playful when I left so she should be released tomorrow. I felt terrible seeing her with dextrose on her but she needs hydration. That medical needle though is terrifying for a very tiny hand. What a big OUCH!!! Aww honey, what have you took into your mouth making you so sick, shitting and vomiting too much! Doctor said it was viral kind of thing and she should be fine in time ones the cause is flushed out of her system. Surely, this is one of the things parents have to go through. Experiences make parents become parents and auntie is learning from that too. My brother is doing just fine with his wife and I’m just always right here whenever they need my hand. ^__^.

My Favorite View (poem)

Whenever we’re face to face

I can’t help but look foolish

This familiar smile I wear

It has never changed a thing

Come appear before my eyes

I promise I won’t get tired

Hear me and keep your reasons

It’s only you I want to see

Don’t push me away from you

Nor turn your back on me

`Coz baby, you’re my favorite view

 

~ Dizzy ~

 

Expect The Unexpected

February 2, 2013. Saturday. 1PM. I am now sitting at home. This is not the way I expected this day will be. Today is supposedly my first day sitting in my three MBA classes from 8am-6:30pm. Lastnight, I slept at 30 minutes passed midnight and timed to wake up at 6.30 but for whatever reason I’ve turned the alarmed off when it first dozed and woke up at 7.20 by nothing. I bolted from my bed in the dark and dashed myself out of the house and to the school. It was a horrible feeling to be late in my first day of class, considering I live 10 minutes away by feet! When I got there, there was no professor when in fact I was 20 minutes late. Time kept ticking and for a second I fantasized my desk as if I was working there at that exact moment. I was supposed to be in today if not for my classes. Yesterday, I had all my Saturdays filed as leave for the rest of the term. I missed my workstation for a while and regretted I intentionally leave my book behind ‘coz I had imagined it would be ear-banging for the whole day, without much time to read or do other things aside from being in my classes. Plus, every school has a library! The lecture room with 15 other students was quiet. I could only hear the cold wind blowing from the air-condition units. Thirty minutes idled and I couldn’t help but speak to the woman next to me. My first sentence - ‘’I wonder if it will be like this til 6.30?’’ I didn’t notice I said it loud enough for everyone to hear and they all reacted to one another and commotion had begun. Words were exchanged between me, the woman on my right and the guy on my left. The class waited ‘til 9 and was called to the faculty for attendance. No professors for today. The 3 of us became an instant group of friends. We went to get our school ID but we had to wait for 2 hours to pick them up. Hersley offered to accompany me to get my library card and Eman joined in without hesitation. To kill the time, we walked there and here and stayed at the university canteen to eat and chat. Just before noon, we headed to pick our ID’s to become official students, and then,indeed we are. Yes, I am officially a student now! Throughout the term, I expected I’d have my own space in every corner of the campus, with a book or whatever. But looks like, I’d have to change what I had imagined. It’s another social world, much similar at work but different in nature. This is gonna be fun! Next Saturday, I need to bring my lunchbox. Aside from its cheaper, it’s healthier as well. I was happy this morning with my blender coz in a few seconds I had my on-the-go fresh breakfast ready. For lunch, I failed coz I woke up too late. But everything had turned out well. For someone who is particular with time, like me, I completely understood why time had permitted me to be late today. I was just meant to be late. LOL

An Empty Canvas

February 1, 2013. Friday. 11 PM. We had our annual ‘’Kampai’’ or ‘’Cheers’’right after work today. We share to update everyone about our family, work, personal life, or anything we’d like to open up over food and wines. So then one by one stories unfolded. A few were fun, some were emotional, others spoke in general, and all stories have something to be inspired about. Lovelife, as always, is the most interesting topic, regardless of status- single and staying single, single and dating, single with partner, engaged, married, complicated, brokenhearted, annulled, whatever. It often portrays ones social stability. At work, it is an undying hot topic no matter what the condition ones’ lovelife is. I, personally, was one of those who spoke in general. My personal life has been kept considerably distant from my work and I intend to keep it that way. When I first came in the company, I shared some details, basic ones. They know my family coz that’s how it should be, especially for security reasons. But as to daily basis, no I never shared. Lovelife, yes I said I have a boyfriend, for 3 years, 4 years older than me. And over the years, details were updated but never did I say he was a foreigner, ‘coz I knew in general, I’d be thought as a millionaire, like those ‘’money and sex’’ white/asian couple. I could cure their thoughts but first and foremost, I am not obliged to feed them so many details. Well, money is very tight at both ends though the hot thing is fun. And I don’t really exist in the side of the world where he lives in. There was too much secrecy and privacy at his end. Well, to content their mind, I said he and his family recently migrated to Europe and that he is a teacher there. I’m in a long distance relationship. For tonight, I said ‘’My lovelife is colorful. It’s still with distance, but its fine.’’ I really meant it in a lot of ways. I meant the colors, lots of colors – all colors anyone can find. There was a lot in it which represents every color. But it’s not said in a past tense and its current color I did not mention. If I was to, I would have said, all white, a base color covering all the rest of colors there ever was. An empty canvas.

Time Table

January 31, 2013. Thursday. 11.30 p.m. I just settled myself from getting home. I left work at 10.30 and I’m not really sure if I am improving with my time table. There’s still too much at work this week and no matter how fast I work, my department really lacks manpower. We are not compensated with any overtime work but we need to finish it anyway. We can’t just leave things behind in accounting department really. If last week, I’ve been going home in between 9-10pm, this week its 10 or 10 beyond and I’m wondering how it’s gonna be next week. This is getting ugly and it seems I’m totally and madly in love with my work lol What can I do, I take pride with what I do! Gotcha, Daisy, gotcha!

Rejoice The Miles

January 30, 2013. Wednesday. 10.30 AM. Every single day, memories linger in my head but I keep them in check to not cause any emotional instability throughout the day. It’s very easy for me to expose myself into things that would remind me of anything about it- pains, gladness, whatever, and it’s what I did and still do. I’m a sadist to myself in a way. I’m not afraid to face my darkest emotions; I’d rather dig deeper to uncover it all. Only then I can find clarity and peace within me. And last week, at the boarding gate in the BKK airport, I just broke down. It was a moment that kept on playing in my head these days and I think I was very much upset about myself more than anything or anyone in this world. For the choices I made that only led to more pains, not only to myself but to the ones I care. I was very upset about placing myself into a position where cheating and a new life had happened, yet I still stood up believing things would still work out. I blended and fought hard. It wasn’t naivety but denial. I was too weak that I gave him another chance after I broke up with him. I was too selfish that I started defending us again for one more nothing. And I was too sure that ones I reach my point I’d turn my back and it’s no turning back. He pushed me so hard and harsh that it hurt and insulted me so bad. But he was right to do it. He’s better without my presence. They’re better without my presence. And I’m better without his presence. This time I rejoice we are miles away.