In Daddy's Eyes

This is for my brother Jay who is now a  father since 3 days ago.

When I saw him with his baby girl it inspired me to write something for him.

This is for you, brother. Enjoy your fatherhood. 

And I will try be the best auntie for your children.

In Daddy’s Eyes

When you little girl was coming,

I was sitting waiting with so much excitement.

I had no sleep from my flight but I can not close my eyes,

I can not miss to welcome you with my wide open arms.

You little girl are my very own pride.

You in my arms upon my chest I carry with gladness in my heart.

With your tiny body, hands and feet, I’d gently touch.

And I can not help but smile, you are so beautiful in my eyes.

You little girl are a gift from heaven.

The gift of love I would always be thankful I ever got.

With God’s help I will be the best father on earth.

And with your loving mother, our best is for you to receive.

~~~~~~ 0 ~~~~~~~

This one below is for my ex. I was with him all those times when he became a father.
And this is what I felt from him for his son. 

In Daddy's Eyes 

My child, when you came into this world,

I was nervous and I didn’t know how to hold you.

Looking at you, I don’t know you if I deserve you.

But with all of my heart I will protect you.

Being your father, I cant define.

But when you cry you call me that.

I’ll come running if I must.

I will be your need that wont fall apart.

Every day you keep running in my head.

And every night you are present in my dreams.

Every morning I wake up, wanting to see you.

And with all of my best, I will do so.

I want to play with u every single day.

Be right beside you in every smile and laugh you do.

In every stumble when you run as fast as you can,

I will be there, keeping my eyes on you.

Each time I have to go I leave my heart to you,

And very soon, you’ll see I'm back to be with you.

You are my son and forever you’ll be part of me.

My family I will always see.

Having you gives my life a purpose and mind a focus.

I will keep doing my best where I am to become able.

You have my care and my responsibilities I will fulfill.

And in time, this distance we can’t even feel.

Letting Go by Rose

I always hear people talking about it. And now I hear myself.

                 ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~

Break ups happen to anyone anywhere anytime.
As constant as change is. So go with the flow.
Let go.

               ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~

With our distance, we owe ourselves a lot of fun.
And when we're together, we still owe ourselves a lot of fun.

                ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~

I want to call you but I know you wont be there.
Maybe u're there but, are u for me, for real?

                 ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~

It takes time. Time is medicine. Medicine is discipline.

                 ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~

Letting go. It is so easy to say but so hard to do.

                ~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~

Meeting my niece Loui

It was a fun day yesterday when I went to see my niece.
After my work, I took the train and then had to take a motorcab to the hospital coz it was farther to walk from the train station. On my way, a sudden commotion happened from the side of the street to right in front of the motorcab where I was in. It was really really close, the motorcab had to apply brake abruptly and move back. A man was being dragged and beaten by about 10 people. The cab could not pass thru so I had to wait for the trouble to be over. Two policemen came to stop them and took the beaten one to the station. That was really crazy! And thankfully I reached the hospital safe.
With my excitement to see my niece, I knocked and I sneaked in the room where they were and happily said ''heeyyyyyy" and these 3 people stopped talking, looking at me tryin to recognize me and I was tryin to recognize them too. When I figured out they dont have any resemblance to my sister in law, I just said hello. They had 'who are u?' written on their faces! Ha ha. Then my brother came up from the other corner of the room laughin and calling me. I said to his wife, ''they're not ur family, no?'' and they definitely were not LOL They actually were in a semi-private room and what I did was ackward but it did not matter coz I saw a little angel there. ^__^
My niece was 6.8 pounds when she was born and a day old when I first saw her. She looked tiny like all new born babies and very adorable. I carried her in my arms and I remembered carryin my younger sister and playin with her all the time when she was still a baby. I super love babies! I had a really good time seeing my niece and talkin to her parents. You brightened my days Loui and I will see u again very soon!

Colorful Day

I took a leave from work this morning coz I felt heavy getting up. Annoyed and frustrated that he was in my head the moment I opened my eyes, that led me to writing my previous post.

It was cloudy and it rained a bit when I left to work. On my way, I saw a guy with a clover print on his t-shirt saying ''THIS IS MY LUCKY DAY'' so I whispered ''THAT'S GOOD FOR YOU AND YES IT'S MY LUCKY DAY TOO''.

Looking at the raindrops, I was humming an old song ''Raindrops keep falling on my head'' and I was smiling, feeling good with the rain's company (I always love rain) and agreeing to myself ''indeed, it is my lucky day''.

When I got to work, a smiling-monkey-stuffedtoy was sitting on my desk which a friend got for me. I was so touched looking at the smile the stuffed was giving me. For me, it was the most adorable thing Ive seen in a long time. To my friend - thank you so much, you have no idea how much it meant to me though u don't actually know what I am going thu.

She said, she saw it and remembered I had ones a tiny-hairy-crying monkey stuffed (the thing cries when pressed on the belly) which I gave away to my officemate working beside my desk before I switched an office (so she wont miss me she will have my stuff LOL).

It is actually silly to have that thing around but sometimes they can really turn sour mood to sweet and better one.

On the right is the smiling monkey I am talking about.

Yes I know, I look really silly on the mirror, or even stupid u may think, but how can u blame me I was just so delighted that time.

Isn't that thing cute? ^__^ LOL

Now, I have 3 comrades on my desk!

 The pink dino is Jessicaraptor. It says - Patient and adventurous with the prettiest claws in the land.

Last December I saw it and thought I'd like to see it everyday at work on my desk. It can be used as paperweight too.

The letter ''D'' with an angel is from my officemate. One time she was giving those stuffs to everyone with our name's first letter. I am Daisy, by the way and not actually Rose, however they both are flowers LOL There is a story behind how I started using Rose for initial and I only use it here online.

Anyway, I love my name, Daisy. I've read a post when I was in high school, saying 'Daisy - an eye of the day' with a daisy flower drawing with it. It was stucked in my head since then and every ones in a while, I get to think, how can I be an eye of the day. A daisy looks like a sun, yes, an eye of the day. And so I should act like a sun coming up and smiling all over the world every single day. And right after the rain, it comes up even brighter and lovelier. It never grows tired and never dies. Such a wonderful thing!

Later in the afternoon, I felt hungry so my hand went searching for my cereal bar and unzipping a compartment outside my bag. I was not really looking coz my eyes were fixed on the monitor working. When I couldn't seem to get what I want, I looked and found my hand was in a wrong place.
I realized I have not actually scrunized everything in my bag since after Bangkok. The receipts were there all along everyday with me when I go to work. Receipts from food and stuffs payments and 24.25 bhat currency, in my bag! All I ever said when I saw it was 'wooowww I got some cash' and a thought whispering 'oh bangkok, I'll get back to u one day, in an appropriate time''. It's good to have them, after all. It's not much but I got some cash! LOL So I am a gold digger now???Ha ha ha

Before I finished work for today, I got a really wonderful news. Congratulation brother! My sister in law just gave birth to a baby girl, which I saw on a photo right after she was given birth. Oh such an angel! And Oh! I have a niece! No nephew yet though, but hopefully another baby will come in the family soon. I'd love them all. I'm gonna see u soon baby girl! :-)

Then after work, I went with a friend to a scheduled dermcare thing - an underarm laser hair removal treatment. It actually is great - killing the hair roots and eventually clear away the unwanted hair there. They dont really cost much here so its handy in the pocket and they often offer deals! I thought to try it on bikini line too but sure the laser light is gonna be painful a bit - like ant bites, which I am not trying anytime soon lol Worth a try, though! :-D

Now I'm gonna hit my bed with a smile, bigger smile.  =)

Pissed Off

I think of you and wonder if u ever think of me.
It has always seemed so easy for you to see things this way.
I don't know exactly how you do it,
But I'm gonna find it myself.
 
The thought of holding u is to what end?
It's not for long, why prolong the pain?
I'm really stubborn I hold thing as long as it could last.
And with u, seriously, I need to change that.

We can not change anything in the past,
But we keep making choices for our coming days to embrace.
As every choice we make shapes our fate,
And to mine this time, without u in it.

You must be happy Im gone finally.
Just like how u want it, to be off ur desk.
Make a run of ur life and do worthier things than with me.
Dont worry I will let u keep it that way.

U no longer speak to me like its the best u can do.
Very kind but unnecessary, I am really in dismay.
These things are pissing me off.
Just pissed me off really.

Downtown by Petula Clark

Downtown by Petula Clark

 When you're alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown
When you've got worries,
All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downtown

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, no finer place for sure,
Downtown, everything's waiting for you
(Downtown)

Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows downtown
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close downtown

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossanova
You'll be dancing with 'em, too, before the night is over
Happy again

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown where all the lights are bright,
Downtown, waiting for you tonight,
Downtown, you're gonna be alright now
(Downtown downtown)

Downtown
(Downtown)

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along

So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, don't wait a minute more,
Downtown, everything's waiting for you

Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)
Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)

Motivation

Found this some time last year, and it is a great thing to have in possession.
It has no title so I called it Motivation.

"It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,
the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly
so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."
~ Theodore Roosevelt

Don't You Quit

I found this ages ago and thought to share it here too.
Unfortunately, I can no longer remember its author.

Don't You Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit."

For You I Will

For you, 
I will let you go to find yourself and make you, you.
I will free you from agony you feel each time u are with me.
I will wish nothing else but the best for whatever u want to accomplish.
I will get better from all I have learned.
I will focus on more possibilities.
I will keep chasing my dreams.
I will turn myself away from the unfortunate past.
I will be stronger than I was before.
I will never let anyone cause me such pain again.
I will fall for someone who would love me so true.
I will hold someone who would hold me like I do and never let go.
I will stand by someone who would defend my ground, and,
I will tell you that all these are really for me and not for you, but,
I will always love you.

More years are coming

Morning off from work again, and find myself here, writing.
Years are now gone, but more years are coming.
Traces of the past stays, I must live along with.
In time, in hopes, will be erased.

My wrist watch, I always carry,
I took it off and hide it away since the get away,
Wishing the time would stay.
I never leave without my wrist watch,
For me, it is my comrade.
Always keeping me in track, 
and never missing a time of my life.
Now, my watch, u get some rest.
I will tick tack myself, at my own pace.

My hair, I care,
I cut it myself a few days after a trip.
And another cut a week after a break up.
So as I speak, it is right up on my neck.
Each time, it gets shorter and shorter,
But now, I will let you grow.
You can not be in trouble too.

Nemo, my dear huge given stuffed toy,
A week ago, I placed u away, And I am sorry.
For now, u sit on top of my closet with dust u get dirty.
But soon, I will wash and find you a home where u can belong.

Get Away Goodbye

Bangkok, here I come!
A few days to go and I will be seeing you.
I am more nervous than my usual
I am more anxious than excited
I feared something wont go just fine.
''It's my first ever abroad!'', I keep telling myself
But I know it's just my lame excuses
As I always believe whatever I do, wherever I go,
Whatever circumstances I'll be in, I'll get thru.
With my little trouble at the airport,
I wished I did not get thru...
Or maybe, at the last minute, I just backed out,
But I was taking my pride, setting myself as a model,
Like I always do..., 'damn't, I can be stubborn, can't I?

I hurt myself from wanting to prove myself wrong
I am disappointed that I've been always right...
I lost my desire a long time ago, but...(sigh)
I burnout to be with him now and there's no way I can help it
I don't want to help, not anymore...and it saddens me
I find him empty wondering to somewhere else
I feel pity for him and the feeling is killing me
I see his child in his eyes and I just can't be selfish
I am truly sorry it has to be me, looking thru them..
Believe me, I am truly sorry to myself too
For always being there, I made him weak
I just cant bear to see him as a dysfunctional father
I must leave, I've done more than enough anyway..

See, we came for fun but at times I wanted to grab my suitcase,
Fly back home without a word, and just disappear like forever
But I am comforted by the fact that I am in control of myself
That I still found myself...sane...thank God
To those great times I can not deny, I may not hold them for too long
Çoz they are nothing compared to those dull and tiresome times.
So along with our Bangkok goodbye is our each other's goodbye.
Such an extremely hurtful goodbye,
But goodbye, my love, goodbye.

"Blind" by Lifehouse

Strong emotions put into a song that would really last more than a lifetime.
And every word in this song truly reflects me and how I feel.


"Blind" by Lifehouse

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like it was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever wanna leave it
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you will ever know
A part of me died when I let you go
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

Head over Heart

Abandoned.
And I wish to run to him, as if he is my home.
How stupid the thought is.
Don't u see?

Yesterday I messaged him, and there was no reply.
Why care, or why bother anyway?
He cant be distracted, from finding himself.
Oh well, well, my fault.

With contradicting heart and mind, I need a stop.
Anyone, be my stop, please, stop me! Hold me.
Oh stable mind, please come.
And be right beside me.

My head is above my heart. Check!
Yet seems, upside down.
Is that their normal anatomical position?
You gotta be kidding me.

Head gives reasons and must agree with heart's desires.
Otherwise losses the meaning of the fight.
Like the line goes,
''Follow ur heart, yes, and take ur brain, please!''

Helpless

Two weeks of no hello, I don't know if I'll get use to.
Every moment of every single day I think of u,
Oh honey, where are u. 
You simply disappeared I wish I did too.


I wish there is a way to feel all the pains in a day,
And hopefully, that day is the present-day.
Wont u come to see me, and help me get thru today?
But I know u would say, ''Naaa it's okay.''
 
In my bed I lay and hug myself so dearly.
An illusion of me I could clearly see.
I kiss my pillow goodnight, as if it was me.
Oh how helplessly crazy I turned out to be.

Picnic at Eco Park

It's Tuesday and I am taking my morning off from work again. Though getting busy working is a good distraction for a broken soul, I still want to take some time with myself, jsut with myself, no one else and nothing else.

Last weekend, i was at the park with my housemates. It has been a while since the last time we hanged out together. They're kind of fun lazying around, no offense!^__^
 
Would be fun to post here some photos. Check them out! We had a little picnic here. I truly enjoyed the place even though my heart weighs tons inside and the time being with my housemates who have no any idea I was carrying such a  heavy baggage with me. I am just truly glad, they said yes with interest to my idea coming to this place :)

It is a park just right down the reservoir (a dam) - great view indeed.

 Stairs going to the reservoir. A reasonable and worthy climb :)

 There you go. It is looking like a huge lake right a little distant down below the heaven!!

 Myself caught in camera checking out some lovely and cool stuffs around.

Never Ready

I knew it, I knew it!
The voice I hear from myself.
I knew it.
My heart drums my chest.

I wanted to believe we could last but you don't.
What can today offer is a blessing and for you it's the only thing.
Yet words of love and comfort are nothing but words.
As today, the distance denies their reality.

To touch each other is what we longed.
But when we do, sometimes I dont belong.
You love ur space you dont extend.
Unreal how distance still exists!

Never chose you to love but I did choose to stay in love.

I was happy, I had fun, you're my pride I stand.

Smooth to tough ride, we abide.

We truly perfected us apart. 

Break ups are crazy, first two were for you to do,

Third was for me to, I was tired I wanted you out.
Your sweet chase opened my heart.
Only to find out your never ready for this kind of fight.

I knew it was just a matter of time as everything was a try.
Even in pain I am upset I'd support you in everything.

You were never ready, but I love you.

Now, go! You're good to go. I think so.

5 ways to get lucky

I found this article and I thought it is really helpful, so I am blogging this too.

Look for the silver lining

It is inevitable that some people seem to get more luck than others, but should we just wait to see if luck strikes for us or take matters into our own hands? We can help ourselves a lot by looking for the silver lining in a negative situation. If you focus on the negatives you are only going to cloud your judgement on the solution, so adopt a more positive outlook on the situations in your life and you will feel better about how to handle them and begin to assume a lucky mentality. Change your thoughts and luck will follow.

Be on the lookout for new opportunities

Very rarely do opportunities for luck present themselves; when they do it’s fantastic, but the chances are this is not going to occur. Nine out of 10 times things happen because we make them happen, so why not take some calculated risks to increase your opportunities. Take smaller risks at first and if they pay off you can increase them. You should always be on the lookout for new prospects, whether it is in the workplace or in your social life. Keep your eyes and ears open as you never know what’s just around the corner and you don’t want to miss out!

Good luck written in the sand

Cut loose your anxieties

Individual hang ups can hold us back from doing everyday tasks in our lives. Adopt the mantra: ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ Don’t let your anxiety get the better of you; your mind is very powerful and anxiety is just a learnt behaviour. Sometimes putting yourself in a stressful situation is OK and to explore new paths in life is essential. Sitting back is all well and good if you’re willing to watch the world go by, but the more open you are to new opportunities the more you’ll increase your chances of luck, so let go of that anxiety and go for it!

Trust your instincts

People who make quick decisions can be led by their intuition. Your gut instinct is more than likely correct; how many times have you been stuck in a situation where you knew things weren’t right from the off, but still carried on and things have turned sour? Listening to yourself can really help you make the right decisions. So how can you become more intuitive? Take some time for yourself, relax in the bath or go for a walk and clear your head. Spending time with yourself will help you understand your thoughts clearly; that way when the next decision has to be made you will know exactly what you think and you can manage the situation with a clear decisive answer.

Learn how to deal with bad luck

The way we deal with bad luck can be detrimental to how we view our lives. A pessimistic person can always see the bad in everything, and to dwell constantly on the bad will inevitably get you down in the dumps. Try to put a positive spin on all the bad situations you find yourself in; focusing what could have made that situation worse will give you that pick up to see you through the rough patch. It isn’t possible to always be happy and positive about everything or everyone in your life, but making a concerted effort to have a happier and brighter outlook on life will make you appreciate the luck you already had in your life that you didn’t notice.

Thank you blogspot

Each time I finished writing down a thought or 2,

A weight lift up away from me.
A thought laid to rest. Here.
And never burden me.

From the deepest part of my heart,
I thank you so much blogspot.
Sure, there are many you have helped.
Individuals with so much to express.

For me right now is a therapy, I would call it.
And may I wont waste ur help.
Probably not.
I will always thank you anyway.

I will not argue

Second week of April. I was stressed and so u were.
I wanted to reach you but it was really hard to.
I believe u got really busy returning to work,
But I knew u were busy battling inside of u too.

By ur acts, I could feel u needed some time off,
But u spoke of nothing clear, so I assumed ur concern at work..
The benefit of the doubts I planted in my head,
has grown weary so I was starting to worry.

Caring calls to ease u, was to stress u.
To hear u were okay, i was relieved but for u a no.
Every how are u was heavy for u.

So, I hanged up, frustrated. Where the interest go.

 

I kept calling u and sorry to disturb u, I will not argue.

A hundred times dial, I can no longer contact u.

In the morning, yes I was blocked.

Forever blocked by you.

Missing You by John Waite

Hearing this song from now on, brings tears into my eyes and crashes my heart into pieces.
Yet, like ever before, I will always love this song!

Missing You Lyrics by John Waite

Every time I think of you

I always catch my breath

And I’m still standing here

And you’re miles away

And I'm wondering why you left

And there’s a storm that’s raging

Through my frozen heart tonight

I hear your name, in certain circles

And it always makes me smile

I spend my time,thinking about you

And it’s almost driving me wild

And there's a heart that’s breaking

Down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all

Since you’ve been gone, away

I ain’t missing you

No matter, what I might say

There’s a message, in the wires

And I’m sending you this signal tonight

You don’t know, how desperate I’ve become

And it looks like I’m losing this fight

In your world I have no meaning

Though Im trying hard to understand

And it's my heart that’s breaking

Down this long distance line tonight

I ain’t missing you at all

Since you’ve been gone, away

I ain’t missing you

No matter, what my friends say

And there’s a message that I’m sending out

Like a telegraph to your soul

And if I can’t bridge this distance

Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain’t missing you at all

Since you’ve been gone, away

I ain’t missing you

No matter, what my friends say

I ain’t missing you, I aint missing you

I can lie to myself

And there's a storm that's raging

Through my frozen heart tonight

I aint missing you at all

Since you’ve been gone, away

I ain’t missing you,

No matter, what my friends say

Aint missing you

I ain’t missing you, I aint missing you

I can lie to myself

I ain’t missing you

I aint missing you

 

 

Innocence

Oh boy, when I learned u were coming,
I literally froze and my heart nearly shut.
I wished u were mine with ur father, instead.
But it did not matter coz u are such an angel.

I believed you came for a reason or more,
And by looking at u, u simply make any pain go.
I and ur father wanted one just like you,
But u came ahead and ur definitely not a thing to let go.

The time and distance were hard for us, so we were on guard.
Like right now, u occupied his thoughts, missing u a hell lots.
If he could, he would fly to u and play with u.
Don't worry, I wont stop his way to you.

I myself think of u a lot, as if you are mine.

And I would ease his way to you.
For undivided focus, strength, time, plans.
Just anything, specially now that u've turned three.

I am really delighted, little man, 
That ur family on ur papa's is seeing you.
As it is the very thing I want if I had my own.
And guess what, I always wanted a boy for a first child!

I wish u everything the world can give.
With ur innocence under any circumstances, 
You will always be blessed.
And ur papa will always make way to u.

Like all mother does. I know she will take care of u. 
I salute moms. As they are always the best!
She is lucky to have u and u to have her.
My kisses and hugs for u sweet child :-*

Can't be ignored

Afraid to be ignored and avoided, again.
I must refrain from messaging him.
For the sake of him and me.
As I can never be happy, to be treated that way.
Humiliating!

After the get away,
Only ones he did ever message me.
And it was only for a big day,
That was, to break up with me.
Sucks!

Walking on my way to work today, 
I had my head high as if it could touch the sky.
Chests' out, stomach in, butt out, and some hipsways.
There I go.
For god's gift and sake,
I am beautiful and yes it is me, it's true!

Sometimes you just have to realize,
you will always have urself, 
no matter how messy things can become.
So if someone ignores you,
Does not mean u ignore urself too.
Gotta love urself, u know!

Nothin more painful

Accidentally, on an edge of the door,
I hitted my knee today.
It is bruised and in pain, but to my bruised heart,
It is nothing of equal.

With or Without You

The days are longer.
The time in slow motion.
And the world is upside down.
They are all mere feelings.
And I am tryin to help myself.
I wish the time spins fast,
But there's no such shortcut.
All wounds take time to heal.
And like a bruise, in time it disappears.
With or without you, the world continues.
Regardless of how I feel, the sun goes up.
If I stop moving, the world wont take notice.
Nothing will change a thing.
No one actually cares, not even you urself.
Oh dear, chin up and make ur day.
The best thing I can do to still see tomorow.
I dont know what tomorow brings,
But what I'd do today is a clue.

My invisible mask

It is lunch break and I badly need an exhaust.
I was working and trembling in body and soul.
The harder I try to calm down myself, the harder it is.
Feeling so broken right here on my office desk.
Seriously losing focus and getting confused with my very well familiar work.

With my invisible mask I wear, I get on with my day.
Office mates, inquirers on the phone, friends, anyone,
They can not see, but the fine look of me.
Such a heavy heart - dragging my chest down to the ground.
But I can't break down just like that. Just can't!!!

Oh courage,
I need you more than anything in this world right now.
Please bring me back to focus.
Alright then, get back to work!!!

Others' faces

Can not start working, if I wont say what I saw.
On my way to work, I took a moment looking and starring at everyone's face.
There I saw different or mixed emotions painted on the faces.
On their expressions and reactions too.
They are pains, responsibilities, commitments, contentment and happiness. 

I realized, if I am in pain too much already, then I must have felt it wrong. 
There are lots of people out there who unfortunately have more pains than I do.
Yet, they choose to get on with their lives. 
For sure they struggled and some are still struggling but they are moving on.
And so, I shall do the same.

I seek I can not fall. And if I do, I shall get up and go on.

Push to Compose

It is Monday and my mind is a mess.
Eyes weigh heavy and numb from not crying.
Grieving from the loss a couple of days ago,
I wish we'd talk like we usually do.


Time difference of 7 did not matter. 
Now, it does as it becomes a health hazard.
With stresses from work, responsibilities, finances, distance, etc.
It is totally an Urgh!!!

Alright, he needed some time, hell lots of time.
And it seems he realized I am a stress,
Then I am meant to be eliminated.
It is funny - I like the compliment.

To occupy myself, I need to write,
Specially in this used-to-be-occupied-time-with-him.
Soon this site will be full of thoughts,
Which I hope to be in peace and not mess.

I do not hope somebody gets to read these,
But someday I might spread the thoughts.
Or could be really soon,
To get an opinion.

I wonder if anyone gets interested, though,
Or thinks these are hilarious.
Whatever it will be,
What matter is I got thru the day.

To my closest friend, Desiry, 
Who only hears my deepest troubles.
Thanks for bearing with me.
I'l give u this page in the following days.


I will keep on writing, composing phrases to paragraphs
For every post I finish I accomplish.
As composing a post is composing myself.
And see one day if I have truly made it.


Oh God Almighty, please help, I beg.
I do feel sooo helpless. 
Please be my cushions, 
'coz when I try push up, I'd fall right back.

I know I have to help myself.
Keep on pushing up no matter what.
I just took my morning off from work,
So I better make a move and get ready to work.

A glimpse of yesterday

My  memory is calling me back some time in 2003.
We have met online and found each other special.
Started as friends, together spending so much time.
And it was so cool, I would always treasure.
I can not really explain how it happened,
That in a year after we were more than friends.
The distance between us was crazy miles away,
But it did not matter anyway.
In another more year, I was eighteen and you were twenty two.
We were both students but we finally get to hold hands for real.
So unreal, like a fairytale, a dream coming true.
Each time we possibly can, we were hand in hand.
The memory of us I hold in my head might soon passed.
So I tried to write our love story, to keep written memories.
But there are too many to say that it was wearing my heart away.
If we were meant to be it wouldn't be this way.
From admirably exquisite times to intoxicating circumstances,
We had them but lost them all just yesterday.
Maybe I was wrong, we are really not meant to be.
Or we both need more maturity to be ready.
What a glimpse of yesterday!

Circles in My Head

It is finally morning and I woke up wishing,
To ever wake up from such a terrible dream.
Always looking forward to our dating day, Sunday.
But today is no longer that day.

The decision has been made. It has truly ended.
I wanted to be upset but what's the point of it.
My body is weak and I lost my strength.
My heart is pounding wild and my mind in whirlwind.

Different thoughts have occupied my head.
They are goin' in circles and I am losing focus.
They are changin in every beat.
Im gonna have a brain damage.

Thought my heart is broken but my whole body is too.
With them all over the place I cut myself tryin to pick a piece.
Should I keep on picking or call for a help?
I don't really know. I refrain to think.

This mess, this shit from hell.
I need to get over.
With nothing and no one to hold on to.
Don't know if I ever recover.

I am trembling, I want to scream.
But my breath can not sustain.
So here I sit around waiting,
For this crazy shit day to end.

Bleeding

''Not a forever goodbye'',
That is what he said, but I doubt it.
My emotion is growing intense,
My pulses are deafening.
And my soul is torn..

I cut myself open,
Like a dissected frog in the lab. 
I cut every tissue, little by little, in Slow-mo.
Deeper and deeper I go.
I have to let go.

I am numb from pain that seem wont end.
Poor little thing, wishing it soon ends.
My mind is stunned
What have I done to be the one
To be bleeding at the very end.

Dizzy (-_-)