Anger In The Past

November 17, 3013. Sunday. 11.40 P.M. I never thought I had to be back here this early for something nerve wrecking. I am disheartened and very upset. The thing I hate the most is when someone gambles a child’s life and when someone, regardless who, makes my mother very worried and restless. My youngest brother who has been always a troublemaker and abusive of anyone’s kindness (literally anyone), can barely feed by himself, got someone pregnant, for a reason that he just wanted a child. I heard it all before from my ex- I don’t want to be old with a young child. Well I hate the troubles my brother is causing now between two families and I hate the fact that I have so much hatred inside me all along. I have never raised my voice to my ex, never confronted him from the cheating and from having a child from it. I have never expressed to him how upset I was with what he did. I was deeply hurt but I never bitched about it to him. To me, what happened, happened and it would be exhausting to whine and pointless to spend my energy to go through what happened rather than to help ease the situation. Besides I thought it was normal to feel hell coz I have loved anyway.

 

I always choose to be objective when presented with any situation and seek for a silver lining when everything is gray because I believe that there is always a solution if you face it. But right now, this pregnancy/baby drama is getting me. I know I have a choice of either letting it into my nerve or not, but my anger is intense and I’m giving myself a chance to ventilate, at least at this very moment. I don’t want to end up hating my brother so much, just because I haven’t expressed my anger to someone else in the past.

 

I think I don’t want to be some kind of confidant under the same circumstances. I think I got tired of it. I got tired of people who gambles an innocent’s life, continues being selfish and irresponsible! Its very hard for me to understand that and I probably will never understand that. I know that life is full of uncertainties and don’t know what future has for me but I always try not to pass on the consequences of my actions to other people especially those I value.