Friendly Date

December 23, 2013. Monday. 10:53 P.M. I had a friendly date yesterday with Dwin. And from trying to open up my heart, I feel everything, I remember everything. I feel nervous, excited, smitten, brokenhearted, … - an internal battle. It makes me smile and frown. At some point, I feel like breaking down. I have hesitation to dig deeper into my emotion. I somehow fear to be hurt. But darn it! I will take things slow. Loving is a great thing afterall.

 

I enjoyed this so called friendly date. Dwin seems to be naturally fun and sweet. I can see right through him with his sincerity. He is more like Steve and I am glad about it. I will see how this new found friendship will progress if it will ever. I’m still smitten with Steve and we still talk. He is my sound chatbuddy as I told him and I adore him! I will always do I think and hopefully with Dwin too ^__^

Marj, Relax

A stranger among millions of people

But a daughter, sister, cousin

A dear friend to her family,

To many, and to me.

We may not be very close like others

But close enough that she affected me

Her charms and energy have been simply amusing.

Last Friday, she was like a spinning ‘’trompo’’

Running everywhere, bouncing to everyone

A ‘’trompo’’ on fire, we couldn’t put down

That’s what how she was then.

 

The last thing I said to her, I will say it again…

‘’Marj, relax ka lang ha.’’

~ Dizzy ~

 

 

December 15, 2013. 3 PM. Sunday. Marjorie died early this morning and I cried, in fact, I am still teary even now. We were having our Christmas party last Friday and when we noticed her missing for nearly an hour, we went looking and found her at the fire exit hardly breathing. She was revived upon reaching the emergency room and was comatose.

 

Everything happened so fast. I was looking down to her when we found her. We were eye to eye. I was trying to keep her awake and not worry a thing. I really thought she could get through it and she’d be fine. She always had a strong spirit and she looked so determined to stay with us by the look of her eyes. When I found out she was being revived at the ER, my tears were breaking out, praying she’d make it just so shed be with her family even for a while.

 

The following day, Saturday, I barely can concentrate during class discussions and I hadn’t have any moment to review for my two presentations. It was our last day in school for this month. I’m glad I made it out there in front of the class despite my emotional state coz Marj wont be either happy if I’d fail myself. After school, I was supposed to be attending my MBA batch’s Christmas party but I opted to visit her at the hospital ‘coz according to the doctor, she’d be gone anytime. It was an emotional yet happy visit and I was sure she heard me and Remy and her family.

 

I'm still teary but trying to compose myself for my dear friend... goodbye Marj. We will miss you....

Self Awareness

December 7, 2013. Saturday. 11:25 P.M. If I was to look down to myself now, staring blank on the ceiling in deep thoughts, I would be laughing. I just find myself hilarious when I look serious and whenever I realize I’m unconsciously doing it I just can’t help it - I laugh. A lot of things is going on in my life and sometimes I think my life is screwed up as I haven’t thought much of it ‘til last year. I felt I was too busy that I somehow forgotten myself or myself just didn’t matter to me then. Now I’m looking after myself, like a lot! I keep an eye to myself and its becoming a habit. I notice the way how I think, talk, response to anyone/anything, behave about and around. Amidst busyness, I notice my every move and it looks like everyone’s too. I notice myself like a lot!

Last week, I registered myself to a 1-year gym membership to have regular workouts. I started the day after it and been very excited to come as much as I can despite work and study. i really did miss my workout so much. My last was early in 2011 and I felt like I aged a lot since then. I always thought to returning to my taekwondo-boxing, yoga and dancing, which were all self-teaching. So now no one can even imagine how delighted I am that finally I’m back to my exercise routine. It’s costing me really but it’s perfectly fine, I get to enjoy it anyway - the body combat (mixed martial arts), yoga, sauna, treadmill, especially. Ahh! I love it! Being in the gym this week, I learned something about myself which either inspiring (for me to push myself) or worrying (‘coz of its nature-a threat). I have a lot less subcutaneous fats than internal fats, which are the worst kind of all fats. I have to get rid of it before it will greatly affect me. The worst fact is that, fats like that you just can’t see! Good news is that (after ample research) it can be trimmed down through exercises but of course I have to keep my exercise with better (healthy) meals to keep it down.

 

First ever overall body health analysis by tanika weighing scale:

Weight is 50.9 kg. Target is 48 kg.

Metabolism age is 23. Target is 19.

Visceral fat rating is 3. Target is 1.
Total fat: 26%. Target is 20%.

 

Input details were: Height 156cm; Age 27; Female

Who Will (poem)

It is quiet here tonight except my heart

Beating for the uncertainties of my life

This restlessness is wearing me

And I wonder who else feels this way?

 

Sometimes I don’t know what I want

I don’t know what to do or why I do it

What’s even the point of knowing

When I’m all by myself?

 

Will I grow old alone and lonely

Or who will take my breath away

And when things fall apart

Who will stand by me, who will?

 

~ Dizzy ~

Anger In The Past

November 17, 3013. Sunday. 11.40 P.M. I never thought I had to be back here this early for something nerve wrecking. I am disheartened and very upset. The thing I hate the most is when someone gambles a child’s life and when someone, regardless who, makes my mother very worried and restless. My youngest brother who has been always a troublemaker and abusive of anyone’s kindness (literally anyone), can barely feed by himself, got someone pregnant, for a reason that he just wanted a child. I heard it all before from my ex- I don’t want to be old with a young child. Well I hate the troubles my brother is causing now between two families and I hate the fact that I have so much hatred inside me all along. I have never raised my voice to my ex, never confronted him from the cheating and from having a child from it. I have never expressed to him how upset I was with what he did. I was deeply hurt but I never bitched about it to him. To me, what happened, happened and it would be exhausting to whine and pointless to spend my energy to go through what happened rather than to help ease the situation. Besides I thought it was normal to feel hell coz I have loved anyway.

 

I always choose to be objective when presented with any situation and seek for a silver lining when everything is gray because I believe that there is always a solution if you face it. But right now, this pregnancy/baby drama is getting me. I know I have a choice of either letting it into my nerve or not, but my anger is intense and I’m giving myself a chance to ventilate, at least at this very moment. I don’t want to end up hating my brother so much, just because I haven’t expressed my anger to someone else in the past.

 

I think I don’t want to be some kind of confidant under the same circumstances. I think I got tired of it. I got tired of people who gambles an innocent’s life, continues being selfish and irresponsible! Its very hard for me to understand that and I probably will never understand that. I know that life is full of uncertainties and don’t know what future has for me but I always try not to pass on the consequences of my actions to other people especially those I value.