Hopeless Romantic

May 27, 2013. Monday. 11 P.M. I must say it is quite interesting to meet different people from different distances. I enjoyed browsing and reading profiles but nothing more. Today, I tried to reply to all the messages I received from those guys who expressed their interest towards me. I am humbled that they seem decent. But I’ve had hesitations that I sent my dull replies. I’ve lost interest in getting to know someone so deep then later toss it all away in the air. I feared for the same sad endings. I feel already tired even when I’m not starting any yet.

 

My profile there is personally, genuinely and completely summarized for my prospects but I’m not ready to respond. Looks like I have to watch the interested ones to pass me by for now. I can’t gamble my heart yet. Gosh, I’m such a hopeless romantic! I’ll get back to you guys when I’m really ready.

Shooting Star

Fancy

May 26, 2013. Sunday. 7 P.M. I played the housemaid today and I did very well. I washed clothes, I sew and I cooked. Love was in the air and still is from playing my favorite love songs. I smile for this very corny day. I’m back to reading a legal suspense and adventure book of Grisham, and watch romantic movie in between.

 

I spared the internet though I am getting numerous messages from the online dating site I registered last Thursday. I haven’t responded to any yet but I will be. A year of mourning from my lost relationship is enough. I can’t wait forever for some kind of resurrection and I retired from trying to work out a relationship that won’t work. Besides, I can’t let my true love (whoever and wherever is he) find someone else other than me! I know I am a strong person but prefer to be with someone whom I can share and build life with for as long as I live. I fancy a kind of relationship in which I know I can afford to be weak.

 

God bless this hopeful heart! ^__^.

Some Nerves

May 23, 2013. Thursday. 11.45 PM. I enrolled for my second term this morning. It took about 3 hours to finish everything coz there were so many enrollees. They were flooding the school. When I got there, I was surprised how super busy the place has become, then I realized it’s an enrollment season here. My first term was during summer so when I enrolled, it was super quick. It went off my head that I was expecting I’d still be quick. Then, I had to inform my manager that, I’d be gone for the whole morning.

 

Well now that I am officially enrolled for my second term, I feel some of my nerves. I am not worried but I am getting the feeling that it’s going to be tougher this time. More challenge, that is! Tougher each time is what I am expecting. But regardless how tough it can be, it’s no turning back. I am gonna make it to its 5^th term, face the panel for my final defense and win them, then, march for my graduation! Gosh, I’ll make most of the opportunity that this program can offer me and I’ll enjoy it along the way.

 

God bless my mind, heart and soul!

 

Own Masterpiece

May 22, 2013. Wednesday. 8 P.M. It’s boring to only have work to mind. I’m always bored when I only have one major thing to think about. To me, that is underestimating myself. I get sick when my adrenaline is sleeping.

 

When my first term in MBA program ended, I needed something to fill in my 4 weeks off from school. Now, I am almost halfway on it and I still feel bored in many ways. I feel like I’m wasting my time not doing something worthy and lasting. I did lazy around but again a day of it is enough for me. I’ve been watching movies and re-watching a few. I went out with my roommates, shopping for almost 2 days – unbelievable but it was fun. I’m in for work every Saturday mornings ‘til I’m back in school for full Saturday classes. I was back on my sketchpad and I didn’t go bad sketching. For a week, I successfully lost 3 of 7 pounds I gained since January ‘til the other week. In a week more or 2, I’d be back to 103 pounds. I don’t want to drop to 100 pounds again, I look too thin for myself. I’m not some kind of vogue model anyway LOL Well, as much as I can, I am trying to make most of my time while I’m on break – doing some things I normally skip during busy weeks, in a way that won’t hurt my pocket.

 

I’m so glad that despite of spending so much, I’m not living with debts. I have to be more investment-minded very soon though, rather than running around like a wild stallion all the time. I’m 27 years old by the end of this year and I want to make most of my life ‘coz I can only live it once. I am always looking forward to be on trips every ones in a while no matter how short it is. And I am proud to say, I am not troubling my family, which is my pact I intend to keep coz that makes me happy. I am happy when they are not worried about me and they can rely on me.

 

In times like these, when there’s not much of actions, I do daydream a lot and scroll at my past. It doesn’t matter what’s in it coz it has molded me to who I am today. To me, it’s my own masterpiece to which I make a stroke every day. Appreciate your own work, right? ^__^.

 

Next week should be action-filled. I can’t wait!

 

Never (poem)

He never lied when he said he will never break her heart

He never gave her hope of tomorrow nor a promise

He never said he’d stay and forever is just a fantasy

He never made his present count, either

He never had anything to break.

 

She never said she was never aware of the truth

She never was weakened but rather challenged

She never gave up and she never cared for pain

She never ran out of dreams and hopes

She never had anything to rely on.

 

~ Dizzy ~

Ill-Tempered (poem)

Staring at my fingers dancing on my keyboard

Digits and letters are popping on my working sheet

My eyelids weigh a ton each I’m falling asleep

I can’t think straight I am terribly irritated by it!

 

My senses are 10 times sensitive and increasing

I can hear their pulses and breaths like timers on explosives

I am a beast deep inside and grumpy in the outside

Shut up everyone and don’t interrupt my whine!

 

I am in flame, throwing fire balls and burning them

They are nothing but stunning glitters in the air

And to a different world I am transporting myself

I cannot rot here with this kind of temper!

 

~ Dizzy ~

 

Argument (poem)

I can feel my heart against my chest

Beating for the uncertainties

How I am supposed to go on

I couldn’t find my gusto

I don’t even want to know.

 

I got a one-way lane ahead

But I don’t want to leave

Or I’d leave my heart behind

I’m caught up in between

And I don’t feel like moving.

 

There’s a frail sound of my name within

And where I stand, I keep on wobbling

I never felt this weak and imbalanced

I’m struggling to crutch my own self

As I endure this kind of argument.

 

~ Dizzy ~

First Term - CHECK!

May 11, 2013. Saturday. 6 P.M. Today is the last day of my 1 of 5 terms in my MBA program. Everyone basically just hanged around the classroom, waiting for professors for the final term papers submission and reviewing for our marketing written exam. When it’s all done, I felt victorious in many ways even if I knew I could have exerted more effort and dedication into it. I am happy I didn’t feel pressured in the last couple of days. I felt lighthearted and confident despite staying longer at work, and staying late reading and rereading. When I got home, I rewarded myself some more raw carrots ‘coz my eyes need their food. They still have so much words to examine!!!

 

Since the day ended early, most of my classmates went for a get together dinner to celebrate, ‘’we are finally finished with the first term!’’. I did not go. Call it kill-joy, but I am not a fan of big crowds –it bores me, thus, it tires me. I prefer smaller crowd with just a few and me, maybe 5. I find it accommodating and more fun. Sometimes, I join in big groups and today is not one of those days, obviously. I’m really quite moody when it comes to that, especially if the activity is sitting around and talking. Most of my classmates are younger than I am and they are into cigarettes and beers and I am not. I prefer physical activities. But anyway, I cheered with all of them for the beautiful first term!

 

Next week, the enrollment for the next term will start. I have 2 weeks break from school but definitely no break from work. Besides, I need my salary to cover my tuition so I can’t really afford so much unpaid breaks. And, I have a scheduled weekend trip before classes start again. Rewarding myself much??? Why not! It’s all on me and I can brag about it if I want. Haha That is the effect of stress I guess LOL

 

Right now, it is time for ‘’positioning’’ (planting) myself in the dreamland. I badly need some rest LOL

 

Cheers for the next term ahead! ^__^.

Quite Prepared

May 10, 2013. Friday. 2AM. Last assignment to finish and print out tomorrow. Wait! It is already tomorrow! Aw! I can’t wait for Saturday to be over, but I don’t want it to come yet. Though I think I have enough stock knowledge to get through Saturday, I still have more to read. I want to cover everything but I guess there’s not much time. Right now, I’m trying to decide between sleeping ‘’now’’ and ‘’later than now’’.  Haha Pity, that I have to go through this situation where decision expert is highly needed. Anyway, I don’t want to be late coming to work anymore ‘coz I’ve been late twice already for May. I have 3 more chances to waste before I get a memo for this month Haha No way!!! I guess I’m just gonna get some rest, it’s a long day for me ahead.

 

Chance favors the prepared ^__^ , ‘night!

 

Containment

April 7, 2013. Tuesday. 2 AM. There is no doubt that my focus is back and I feel fine. I just finished first half of one of my term papers. And it is time for me to sleep, supposedly, ‘til I felt the need to blog.

 

I am not staying at Ms. Anne’s for this week ‘coz seriously I need to contain my sanity without extreme effort. I don’t go mad when I am at her place but being there gives me erratic brainwaves, altering my senses, in a good way anyway LOL The bed is large that I can’t help but fall asleep after reading two paragraphs instead of many pages!!! I always ended up falling asleep instead of reading – awful. Ms. Anne is also very energetic with endless talks of all sorts and sometimes I get lost in track reading. I really need to escape from her this week Hahaha

 

I’m glad, I got a reliever, Remy, ‘coz I wouldn’t want to leave her alone in her place when her fiancé has gone back home for a couple of months of so. She has fear of ghosts and whatever she imagined in her head. I guess she just hates being alone. Well, I can’t wait to stay in her place again, to catch some gossips LOL Naaa, girl stuffs!!! Kidding aside, I am looking forward to utilizing the availability of the gym in the building. I missed sauna!!!

 

Alright, get some rest!!! ^__^.

 

Distraction

April 5, 2013. Sunday. 11.4 PM. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh… I’m seriously out of focus. It is hard to focus. I can’t focus. The thoughts of him constantly rattle in my head, for days now. So effortless that I feel defenseless. My walls are down and I can’t seem to help it. Ahhhhhh! Unbelievable, how can someone affect me soooo much!!! My tears just gathered and fell….

 

I was fine… I guess this started when I recalled so much a few days ago. I and Remy stayed at Ms. Anne’s and we got to talk about my story. I was fine, but I guess in the process, it depressed me unconsciously. I’ve been easily distracted since then, even irritable, feeling sad without any reason I can pinpoint. Or maybe because, a year has passed and despite my tremendous efforts of trying to ‘move on’, I was wounded so deep. I got a forever scar… I hate this feeling I am feeling now.  I can’t even laugh it away.

 

I hope that through this post, these troubling thoughts will be rested. And my mind as well as I go to sleep.

 

Blogger, can you please give me a hug? (-__-)

Bittersweet Year (poem)

A year ago,

I felt stupid ever loving you and I blamed myself for it.

When sadness reached my soul, I felt exploited.

It turned my poor heart inside out.

I had dared myself I would always hold you,

To make you feel my love, to never give up

I have learned to live each day with you…

I have decided to always love you.

Then, my hands shivered in guilt. I felt guilty to myself.

The bitterness of that day gave way to many sleepless nights.

I typed away my thoughts and freely poured out my heart on my posts

My words rattled, rumbling endlessly on my screen, fighting back my tears.

After a year, I still care and I’m quite disappointed by myself

‘Coz in my memory, our days are still fresh, just like yesterday.

I still feel hurt and sometimes with a tear down my cheek

But it’s worth recalling when you smile in my head.

I was happy anyhow.

 

~ Dizzy ~

 

 

* * * Happy Anniversary, Blogger! Cheers! ^__^. * * *