December 23, 2012. Sunday. 8 A.M.
Christmas day is near. Most people has gone home from the city and some are
still going home as of today. My roommates had already left. Angel flew last
Friday night and Sheila took a bus the next day at the break of the day. I
seldom join the holiday rush so I am only going home to my brothers today after
lunch. It’s 3 hours with traffic and an hour without so I’m always happy with
no queues and packed crowd in the stations and in the streets. It’s handier now
too coz I travel light without the need to bring my own laptop. Before I had to
pack my laptop and the wires each time I leave my place so I and my boyfriend
could chat. I was always happy to carry my laptop around even just for a day or
two break. Now, it’s weird that I’m equally happy not bringing it at all. Well
I guess I cared too much for anything that’s breakable and now if I throw my
bag as careless as I can be, nothing will break. Even with my heart in it, it’s
not gonna break ‘coz it has already been torn and broken LOL Kidding side, I am
travelling light at heart as well.
Things are different now. Though my
patience has snapped, I still do love him very much and care so much for him.
Though I always knew I had to step out from his big picture, I still hanged on
and stood by him amidst anything, so sorry, he had to push me out ones, twice. Thrice
was too much, it was way too much and I’d insult myself if I won’t stop. Believe
me it’s not an easy position to be. If only I could run across the ocean to
give myself a big hug, I would. He can’t protect me from himself and I’m not a
hero or a martyr, why would I prolong my agony. At some points I think I should
have known my place better but it was okay, I loved the man that much. I can
only hope for the better. One of my wishes for Christmas is that he will take
responsibility of the consequences of his actions which I believe he is already
doing it right now. I may not be in any means be a part of it all but in my
heart it is for the best. I have to step out fully, for him and for myself. Who
knows, he will find it in his heart to take the woman to be his wife/partner
for a lifetime. Sure they had shared many good laughs and time and now are
sharing a one of a kind connection, their precious boy. Then that’s a happy complete
family.
Over the years with him, I always hope
for us but never have I wished to have a child with him any time soon, not just
yet, ‘coz I can already picture how things will be like. Though my love for him
was strong, my hunch was and always is a lot stronger and had never been wrong.
To know that there was a boy coming was not a surprise to me so I thought of
him as a silver lining shining from above. And I hope he will always be like
what I’ve first believed in.
It’s Dizzy here, signing off and
travelling light. I can’t wait to mess my big brother’s hair!
Merry Christmas! ^__^.
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