Taking Its Toll

January 21, 2013. Monday. 7.50 PM. BKK time. At the boarding gate. Boarding is in 30 minutes and I can’t help but feel depressed in a way or two. My eyes are tired and heavy, filled with water ready to burst anytime at this very exact moment. As much as I want to refuse recalling previous memories, the more they rattle in my head in an uncontrollable way. Maybe because, somehow I wished for my second time here to be ours to enjoy but I’m skeptical for a different result. For my disappointments to be twisted around but there is nothing I can do nor he can do. For another try to be willingly tried but my will has long died though. My nonsense wishes! I never had thought I’d ever lost hope on anything but some things such as this does not deserve that much. Even hope when too much, is bad for anyone.

I did not feel anything special when I first got here in Bangkok çoz being abroad 9 months earlier than today did not excite me. It was more like technical stuffs for me. Maybe if the circumstance was different, I would have been jumping and tumbling around with my excitements. What I was looking forward back then was spending time with him away from everything. But what I thought of spending time differently, was never different at all. Unfortunately, it was a lame week at the end. Being here the second time though, made me realized that I look after on almost everything so much, doing favor, doing my best to care and to understand, giving positive reasons why. Even when things seem unreasonable, I seek for good reasons. What a shame, it makes anyone care a lot less about me ‘coz I can seem to handle any, huh! But even the strongest wall has a tiny crack, and could fall. Do I need to mess up myself, for anyone to care about me and to not hurt me? Why not rather be always there, ready to catch me incase I’d fall? Or when things are no longer bearable, taking its toll on me? Why cant he, when I evidently can? I need to turn my back and walk away even if I don’t want to coz it’s already beyond enough. Dam’it, why and why this kind of feeling did not die? Now I carry the same heavy heart, shed the same tears at the same airport…. It began here, it must end here. It’s probably one of the reasons why I’m here, again.