Disappear - Appear

June 7, 2014. Saturday. 1 P.M. Today is the 1^st day of my 5^th MBA trimester. It is frenzy outside and it is time for me to disappear, so here I am – back in my hideout, the library! ^__^. I always love disappearing to have my ‘’me-time’’, to listen to my inner self, to do anything by myself. I drafted my speech for Desiry’s wedding in behalf of Arne and Lizelle and me (her longtime and pledged-forever buddies), and I thought that I may have not met the man, who is man enough ‘’to man’’ himself to me, but I am happy deep inside. Yes, there are those moments that I long to have someone to be with, to do whatever together, perhaps like Bonnie and Clyde, Tom and Gerry, Brad and Jolie, Edward and Bella, but I am in no rush. I strongly believe that there is always a right time for everything and I will know it when it arrives – the ‘’this is it!’’ moment. I have learned enough, even more than enough in my past relationship, which keep me unruffled by circumstances or things thrown in my way. I saw Clarence earlier for his registration and I am glad he is (I guess) coping with his dilemma. And it’s good to see him smile, initiating a quick chat upon seeing me at the hallway. I am proud of myself, to see things falling into my box of expected outcomes, including those few people (salute!) who reacted just the way I thought they would. It was unprejudiced despite the bizarre circumstances. I ignore most men coz I am more like a man than most of them. But a few extremely conflicted ones get my attention when I am in the mode of donating some love. I just couldn’t stand watching them constantly losing their integrity in the eyes of many. It’s because I have high regards with men! Dean, over the years, eventually learned ‘’maturity’’ to stand on his own feet and I learned that my patience must have limits and it is okay to snap it, even intentionally!LOL On the other hand, my outspokenness and cheerfulness made Dwin spell his thoughts (fears and worries) and emotional baggage so easily, that he fondly said to me, ‘’Dais, it’s crazy how I cannot hide anything from you, even if I want to. When we talk, it is like I am willingly stripping myself naked. You are a fun and loving woman.’’ I burst into laugh with his analogy and sincerely said to him, ‘’Well, stranger, aren’t you supposed to share anything? We are trying to get to know each other, aren’t we? Don’t worry, Dwin, I wont hold anything against you.’’ With Dwin, I did feel in-loved again but he is a brokenhearted gentleman, who needs to go through a self-healing process and that takes time! He was the first guy I hanged out with after moving on from my first ever break-up. Dwin is one of those few who are easy to love and I reeeeeeally love his smile! Oh, such a Flirt! Haha! But with Clarence, it was like doing a case analysis to come up with a sound decision, the most viable ACA using a scientific tool + guts + compassion + some icing to soften the edges. Well he flirted with almost all the women in my batch and that really sucks! Flirty, yes, but I still don’t think he is a jerk. He doesn’t wake the bitch side of me and I care for him as a friend, so the moment I knew about all these flirting from Joanna, I tried to distant from him but what-the-heck, it would be without impact! Besides, I am used to going an extra mile for something I thought would have a potential worth at the end. Maybe then he won’t be as lost, otherwise my-gosh worst! The later weighted more so it was interesting if at the end he would tend to sway to my assumed positive impact. It was a call to change my strategy, without of course compromising my integrity. I didn’t want him to fail again with no/very minimal lesson. Sometimes when it’s too swift and silent, it’s like taking a stray bullet right in your head that you die so fast you didn’t get a feel of it. Although, with his stiffness ‘’the virtue of being hard with one’s self’’, he would likely repeat it so publicizing was my best option for his inferiority/overconfidence/madness to be putted into a test. I wanted to see him show off what he bragged about, for ones and for all. Then, if he turns out to be serious with his stated intentions and ready to commit (which I highly doubt), then I might consider him? I don't know, I just don't date BOYS. I prefer to date MEN. Anyway I am hoping that he will eventually know his place by then, and perhaps I would be the last female in our batch he would flirt with. A grand finale huh?! Well, in the most compassionate way I can practically pull for this particular case.

Now that it’s over, I did find Clarence to be naturally affectionate and attentive but he is religiously nurturing his very own enemy within him. His insecurity coupled with his stiffness make things harder than how they actually are. He needs to find happiness within himself in order for him to loosen up! On my part, I treated it as, there is nothing wrong giving a little compassion when I have extra anyway! ^__^. Now he got variety of catastrophic responses from women. Gosh, his consistency in the context of women isssssssssssss quite a shame? Well, I am hopeful my effort is not wasted! Otherwise, well at least I did try to make it count for him. It's crazy how certain people do shatter their own selves!LOL

 

‘’All you can do for someone is do what you can. If that fails, you simply have to forgive yourself and hope that at some point in time he will remember what you have said and make sense out of it, because the truth is, you can never help everyone.’’

 

The first day back to school is always lame, so the group might go out later. I hope they will keep the bullying minimal. ‘Coz even the most wanted criminal has legal rights to be respected!  Alright, it is time to re-appear in the crowd. Talk later blogger! ^__^.