Gamble

November 27, 2007. Tuesday. It was the day I got here in the capital city. I can remember very well despite the dizziness and nausea from being onboard a ship for 3 days and 2 nights and a hostile weather during the last day. I had to stay lying down or I’d throw up. Getting up was no use, I couldn’t even eat. It’s been exactly 5 years since then and I don’t know exactly why I came here.

 

I had a job interview as soon as I got here which went kinda hard for me coz of the dialect and accent difference but I got the job and started working the next week. I could get a decent and well-paying job back in the province but I wanted to get away from everyday nuisance. Having a foreigner boyfriend was a lot to digest over there. Everyone knew each other and I didn’t like to be generally branded as some Asian hooking up with some whites for money. I grew up with pride of what I have and I pitied those who are sick about their lives and themselves. I was proud about my relationship, my first ever. I was 16 and he was 20 when we met online and first met in person when I was 18. Those who came in contact with us together had expressed their admiration about us. We were one of a kind, a genuine pair - so they called. I thanked them. But like most of the young couples, our relationship was doomed to fail. I always thought otherwise but I guessed now I’ve proved myself wrong.

 

I had the peace I needed here in expense of being far from my family. It was a gamble but we always take risk for the things we cared about. I had hours everyday and weekends to spend with him over pc and weeks when he came to visit me. We only had ourselves to mind. Only few heads knew us and my parents were freed from knowing and seeing their daughter getting branded anything not me. I could only care less. The people I cared about are my top priority and I hate it when they get hurt because of me.

 

Now, it is just me and my work here. It’s bizarre. I feel weird a little but it feels right. It has to feel right or I’d be damn. I am still hurt in some ways but it was a good gamble I can’t be sad. I may have invested and lost but I learned much. It was something I should have quitted a long time ago but I do not regret making extensions.  As for him, I will always consider him a friend if he will treat me one. A gamble with a sure wins ‘coz I’m not expendable, no one is. I know he has a lot of things to consider and to think about than me but I’m seriously beyond tired giving considerations. Besides, anyone with kids is usually a better person. So my hands are up and just let him be a man. And as for me, it’s time to be back in the game, a me-game! Roll the dice and cross fingers ^__^.

Never Say Die

Little Good Voice

HYPNOSIS

 

 

 

Plan For The Worst

November 18, 2012. Sunday. At 11:59 P.M. I finally found my way back home. I really hate 2 places with the same name, especially when they’re both in different direction. Or maybe the two share the same road, a shortcut I didn’t know of. I am terribly bad at geography, which seriously I need to learn more. Oh well, I didn’t catch the last trains so I had to take buses. I had it in my guts that I’d be taking the wrong one but I thought to give a try listening to others suggestion. I was already very tired and it took me a while before I realized everything. After a few reviews by observation and memory recall, I knew I must get off the bus on the next stop before it takes me farther to more unknown places and I’d end up alone in the middle of the night. I am confident I’d find my way back home no matter how lost I am, but I am not confident with the evils lurking in the dark and ready to take advantage of the situation. I prayed hard for my safety deep inside. For all I know rape and murder cases here have the same level of punishment - life imprisonment. So if I am to be raped, the rapist would have to kill me after. That is a really common case. And before any of that happens I’d fight up to my last breath. Though, death is inevitable I don’t really want to die that way. Better do something, then. Now I am really exhausted but I can’t sleep, my nerves are still wild. I had all my alerts raised to the maximum level.

 

While I was taking the right bus home, I relaxed a bit and started feeling how vulnerable I can get after being tough out there. My sight became blurry from the tears forming in my eyes. I can never be tough 24/7 and I wondered if there is someone out there who will stand by and protect me in my most vulnerable state. I just wondered. I never expect anyone to do me that favor. I’d rather do it to them. I never learned to expect any favor done for me but rather expect disappointments. I never like disappointments but they prepare me for anything and remind me not to disappoint anyone when and if they need me. I just know the feeling I guess and it’s something I would never wish for anyone to feel. But sometimes, it is necessary to help me push myself for a better me and to help others to push themselves for a better them.

 

Very well then bloggers, let’s hope for the best and plan for the worst ^__^.

 

 

Serious Practice

 

November 15, 2012. Thursday. We just had a very serious dance practice. There are a lot to polish in the acts and executions of the steps. It is more like ‘we-have-to’ kind of thing, so personally, I’m just gonna take the chance to wiggle my tail instead. There is no point getting mad over it and whining about not doing it. Well hopefully, we can keep our title as the grand champion from the last xmas party contest. Prizes are good but this contest is sort of about pride. I wish the management would just put all the money together and split it equally among all employees. Then there is no need for dance practices, drama rehearsals, competitions, bla and bla but I doubt that will ever happen. It already became the company’s tradition during xmas. It’s tiring though, after work we need to practice, and all that. I was late more during this first half of the month. Four times as of today while last month I was only late ones. Alright, I’m putting the blame on the practices for my lates LOL It makes sense anyway. This month is busier though and for the last 3 weeks before party, there will be more practices. So just wiggle instead. :-D

Senses

Staring at my phone I wonder if you will ever call

I called you before but you were too unavailable

You’re either deaf or you have paralyzed hands

Or maybe when it’s my name your eyes become blind

 

I miss you I scream it outside my window

But I can’t hear myself I lost my senses too

I ask the man down below where are you

And why it’s humiliating trying to reach you

 

I’m leaving a note only your heart can apprehend

It’s blank through the naked eye you have to feel it

I can stay but I don’t want to so I have to go

And see you when all your senses are true

 

~ Dizzy ~

 

Tears

A lake is formed in my eyes while I lay myself on my bed
It breaks its way down gently on the curves of my face
I don’t know why or what it’s for or how it got there
All I know is no reason I can find that is considerably sure

I took chances for the things I cared the most
But now I feel stupid for believing their worthiness
Two, three and four more drops on my pillowcase
I feel comforted by the warm caresses of my tears

~ Dizzy ~

Drama

Sometimes in a while I feel something is wrong

What I had is gone and I’m here having fun

I get it I still think you are the missing piece

But I also ask myself if you have been really mine

I could stand by you even if you don’t ask me to

And buy all your drama even when I have doubts

I know the steps and I know you by heart

And I can’t spend my life forever only to play that part

Letting go is never easy to me

But watching you go I knew is quite a view

I know my love in vain in the ass is a pain

But after all I can never let a teardrop fall

Like you I have long roads to take

Crossroads to stand and choices to make

I have my own drama to direct

And watch myself playing as the lead

In a while my thoughts play so fast

You cross my mind I can’t shake you off

Just another scene that must go on

It may rain or shine I must be ready to roll

 

~ Dizzy ~

 

Refreshment

LIFE is a Refreshment,

Enjoy it!


~ Dizzy ~

This One for X-mas

 

So I have convinced myself I'm gonna wear this during the company's christmas party.
Mmmmm I am wondering how it's going to look on me.
Hopefully with justice!
It should fit on me well. ^__^.

Touch Me Not

I’m a bit nervous but not anxious

I’m in a big place and I’m amaze

On my first step I’m roaring happiness

I have more space to run wild and free

Go gazelle, i’m just right here!

Amidst the glassy classy lights here in Ortigas

I am burning with much desire in my heart

Music of different beats and rhymes i hear

They are blending very well in my ear

From learning stocks to this comfortable spot

I suit myself with fries, coke float and my notebook

People look at me scribbling as i eat

But I can only be proud with my awful penmanship

Tonight can’t be any better

It’s a time to savour and feel

But now i must move and to the last train be onboard

~ Dizzy ~

November 8, 2012. Thursday. Guess who? Me! I’ve escaped work for half a day and skipped dance practice for today. In exchange, i got free education about stocks and I’ll have more on Monday. Welcome to the world with only one rule. ‘’What you don’t know, you don’t touch.’’

 

Mmmm touch me not?! ^__^.

It's A Treat

November 5, 2012. Monday. Going back to work after holiday is quite hard. Most people feel that way and today is awfully depressing for me.  For four days, i was at Ms Anne’s watching her house like a hawk – not really like a hawk but rather like Garfield, the lazy fat cat! Oh how i love to be one every ones in a while. They went for a trip and it was my pleasure to be the watch since i’ve no plan for the holiday. My roommates were gone to their respective homes, and me, well i can handle myself. I can just sit around and fantasize all day if i want to. i love it when i have a moment alone - literally alone, and i don’t mind when i’m the center of attraction. Whichever comes available!

 

Then, i had my moment. I watched tv a lot, like i never had one my entire life. I slept late, woke up early and watched tv. I nearly broke the remote from switching channels countless times a day. You cant blame me ‘coz back at my place, i and my two roommates only had a small old tv with one annoying local channel available and with a broken remote control. Oh, those tiny control buttons on the tv are nowhere to be found too. And guess what, the whole thing is no longer working for months! I rejoiced when the tv finally gave up though. i hated it. It was totally annoying just having it around. Well, with a huge flat screen with all channels available, why not see what there is to see ‘til i get sick of them. LOL it hurt my eyes though!

 

The bed was too huge for me, so i fitted myself in the sofa where i hangout a lot, a hell lot. i hangout on the bed too for more space to twist and turn when im reading a book. I have another book written by John Grisham called ‘’A time to Kill’’. I missed to have a proper kitchen, like back home at my parents, so it felt nice i felt home. I was living in a fantasy for a while, having my own flat, my own house with an air-conditioned room.WOW!!! Someday, i’m gonna own something like that! It was inspiring to be there. I am ambitious by nature but i know my limitations and my capacity. At least i believe i know. ‘’Very well then, Daisy, work your ass off!’’ C’mon, i am already. One at a time, baby, alright. LOL

It’s lazy time ^__^.

 

Before i left work today, i watched ‘’ The Walking Dead Season 3 Episode 2’’, on my desk. I love that series and i’ve been following each episodes. I was on my headphones listening to it and somewhere in the middle of watching, i got carried away. I screamed my head off and nearly bolted off my chair! I was like screaming for my life and 4 of my officemates who were also still around at 7.30 pm, all looked to my direction asking me what the hell is going on. I just burst out laughing, apologizing for that unearthy scream for nothing. When it was over, i left my desk with a foolish smile i cant get rid off my face. i had giggles about the scene i made when i screamed. Sorry guys, i freaked you out in the middle of silence and at the same time, thank you, it made my day!LOL

Oh, for Halloween, I had this!

It's a treat! ^__^.

Catching Up With Bros

November 4, 2012. Sunday. Im back in my place and i could give my bed a hug if i could. I missed it but i had fun away for a while. Last Thursday, i met my brother who got home from Doha, his wife and my niece. I was carrying my niece the whole time i was with them. She is a little over 5 months old now. I love her even if she keeps drooling on my arm, on my shoulder, all over me LOL It was nice catching up!

 

There was more catching up the following day with my 2 elder brothers. This time, there was just the 3 of us. And all i can say is, ‘’the older you get, the more passionate you become.’’ Two thumbs up to that ^__^.

 

Daddy

November 2, 2012. Thursday. While i was sitting-pretty during this holiday, i’ve been meaning to call home ‘coz i felt something was not nice back there after i texted my mother yesterday. Before noon, i got a call from my brother and i learned my father had a problem in his prostate. His medical result came up two days ago. All i said on the phone was ‘‘shit!’’ i hated it whenever i get a bad feeling, it never fails me. Sometimes i wish it fails me but somehow it prepares me from getting shocked of any news i get. I just pray it’s not serious or not going to be serious. Next week, he will be in the other city for another check up to clarify it and for more advice.

Any fool can be a father,

But it takes a real man to be a daddy!

I have so many good times with my father. I don’t have a bad memory so i can perfectly remember everything like each of those moments just happened a day ago. I take pride of having him as my father and i always hope wellness for him. My most favourite moment when i was a kid was, whenever there is no banking hours (during weekends or holidays) and he is on duty, the bank where he works becomes my playground. He’d take me there and i’d start messing with a typewriter to learn the keys or computer to play games or television to watch any movies. The best one for me that time was the typewriter. I thought that was really fun striking all those keys, shouting for his help, typing as much letters as i can by my tiny fingers, and showing the filled paper to my mother when we get home. He would watch me doing a good job and then, we eat our meals together. He always takes me at work whenever he gets a chance and i always give a salute gesture to the rest of the bankguards there. As i grew up, i have so much respect to every security guards and to me they are all my friends. To where i work now, i sometimes give same gesture to them. It always makes me feel good in a very unique way. They salute back and they even do it right upon seeing me coming. Fantastic!

 

My father is my first ever man in my life. In the future i would only settle with someone who is man enough for me and who my father believes i can only be truly happy with.

 

To my father, ‘’Sometimes you are stubborn but you’ve been always the best daddy for me and will always be. I learned so much from you and acquired some of your stubbornness, both i would never exchange for anything. I am glad you are less stubborn for quite a while. I guess it is really true, that the older you get, the more compassionate you become. Anyway, you will be just fine. Anything you need, u don’t have to ask, u just have to tell and we got it.’’