August 30, 2014. Saturday. 8:56 P.M. Hello
blogger. It feels like a very long time, like forever, since we talked last. I really
missed the tranquility in each of our spiritual dialogues. The voice of my
subconscious which speaks only truth that cannot be broken. The rhythm of my
breathing inhaling what life brings me and exhaling the pressure of processing
them. The pulsating blood in my veins from the unstoppable pounding of this willful
heart against my chest, keeping me alive and kicking, even when I feel like
breaking. My bones feel fragile, and my limbs feel like dry leaves leaving an
old dying tree. I have aged fast lately. Blogger, I am awfully overwhelmed
tonight with everything and everyone. I feel like I am losing the brand of
myself. I want to retract myself back in, distant from work, school, family,
friends,… I want to be with myself, to have conversations in silence. I want
myself in one piece, without anything to process for a moment. In these last
few weeks, it became a struggle to keep myself intact. It feels like, I have no
choice but to be drawn to every direction, all at the same time. I feel myself
all over the place.
I don’t even know where to start now. All
I know is I need you, blogger. You are me. And I know you understand me better
than anyone else in the world. I confide to you, all the time. I am sorry I cannot
hold my tears now, betraying me, clouding my sight and flooding my cheeks.
There is two Saturdays left before this
trimester is over and I am supposed to be working on a business plan now but I
prefer to sit and deal with this dilemma, to gain some sense of wholeness. I
think I am having enough of everything and I need to unload or I will explode. There
are 4 members in my group’s business plan and unfortunately it became stressful
because one of them attacked the other instead of confronting her in a
constructive way. Well, they need to develop more their self-management.
Graduate school is about self-development (soul) anyway, and of course,
critical-thinking development (mind). Thus, everyone is being introduced to
different scenarios. It is funny though how they handle it, instead of
resolving it, they get very personal then later hold grudges against each
other. That is just so immature. Now I have to absorb their childishness,
pacify things and stand-up for my group to constantly monitor activities to make
sure everything is in synced. We are such a mess without me holding us closer
to work together and meet our goal. It’s taking some of my valuable time and
energy and I can’t wait for this business plan to be over and disperse the
group.
Since I got back from Desiry’s wedding
last June, I had been running all over the place, juggling everything, leaving
a bit of me here and there. I had to bear freezing my gym membership for my
sake! I had it frozen until December, otherwise I will go nuts, if not
nutty-nut, I will be sick from exhaustion and fatigue. So I had to declare
‘’Stop-for-now’’ which saddens me somehow. Then I got busy with work due to my
leave days. Class presentations to prepare and present. Friend’s requests which
unfortunately I couldn’t accommodate them all but as always I am glad to be
able to be virtually available anytime. Then I met Ian. He should be in my next
post. Then my parents came over for their first ever trip together, which was
organized and accompanied by me. It was a lot of fun and felt so nice to see
them together, enjoying and annoying each other. ‘’We don’t stop playing because we are old. We grow old because we stop
playing.’’ ^__^.
Emm… I think I can be able to sleep now.
I just needed to whine a little, which I am deprived of lately. Thank you,
blogger ^__^.
